Somewhere between lonely

lonelinessThere are times during our lifetime we may feel extremely lonely because we think that no one really understands what we are fighting against. There might be some situations that we just do not want to talk about anything because it is too painful to relive. Has there ever been a time when you were in a room full of other people, but yet you still felt so lonely? I often wonder if it is normal to feel lonely when I am actually not really alone. It even sounds silly when I read what I just wrote, but it is the way I feel sometimes, especially lately. I think there are times that I get so lost in my own thoughts, which honestly are normally unhealthy stress points, but I do not have a desire to talk at all because it is way too frustrating. In fact during those lost moments, I just want to sit in complete silence as I try to wrap my mind around all the turmoil of life! Whether it was supposed to be or not, life is a challenge that just keeps going without giving us a break to recuperate from what we have already dealt with.

I do believe that sometimes life can become SO overwhelmingly stressful and it feels likeoverwhelmed there is just no way out of those moments. Why is it the great and delightful moments in life go by so incredibly fast, but the difficult times seem to drag on FOREVER!? I remember my wedding day that was almost 7 years ago, it was one of the happiest days of my life and it went by in the blink of an eye. Then the day the doctor told me I had MS, which was 18 years ago seemed to have lasted forever! I can still see and feel myself in the room with my old doctor and listening to him say, “Alyssa, you have Multiple Sclerosis”, but all the words after that are a blur. It seems as though the bad times in our lifetime taint our views on life in general and it just leaves a permanent scar that never truly heals.

Do you ever want to become a recluse, just to escape all the craziness of the world we live in? Living in solitude can become depressing and therefore is not healthy at all! On aristotle1the flip side of that, living in a world that has so much negativity is not healthy either! It is a catch 22 with how to proceed. I have tried to convince myself that one smile can go along way and if everyone could just adopt that concept there would be a lot more happiness surrounding all of us. Even though I might be feeling a little down right now, I do still believe smiles go so much further than anyone realizes.

Of course right now I am drowning in my thoughts about what the MRI results are going to be. Then I have a moment of clarity and know that there is absolutely nothing at all I can do to change what my results will tell me on Thursday. So why in the world am I unable to let these negative thoughts go? I think that is the million dollar question that might never be answered!

Y’all know me by now and know that I pride myself on thinking more on the positive051aa4b37f544a9783141575bb01c1dd61b51b-wm.jpg side of things. This is just a phase of negativity that will clear up as it always does. Things could be worse than they are, but my poor mind has been SO overwhelmed with stress. It honestly feels like I have been engulfed in way too many decisions and changes that need to be made that it is hard to breath sometimes. I try to handle one moment at a time, but then more thoughts pop up in my mind making it go into a tail spin!

Thank you for reading my random thoughts of the day or I guess I should say of my weekend. I am terribly sorry for all the negative thoughts, but I will say writing my feelings out helps so much! Tomorrow is another day and things will hopefully be much brighter. The countdown is on for when I get to hear my MRI results, good or bad I will handle them with grace and dignity. I will not go into the appointment with all my negative thoughts, but I will be calm and ready for anything. I hope y’all enjoy the rest of what is left of the weekend! As always, please remember that no matter what I might be going through, I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

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Brain MRI Day

good afternoonGood afternoon y’all! I hope your weekend is starting off wonderfully! Last night I was able to have my much-needed and dreaded brain MRI. Even though over my 18 years with Multiple Sclerosis I have had SO many MRI’s, I was still extremely nervous! However, if I am being 100% honest I am WAY more nervous about getting the results next week! The waiting period will be brutal because my mind will go in a million different directions and most of those directions lead to the negative thoughts. I am trying to be logical, which is not always easy for me because I know there is no amount of stress or worrying that will change what these results are going to show and all that worrying will just add stress to my life leading to even more PAIN!  

With all the MRI’s I have had in my 18 years with Multiple Sclerosis, this one was just of the brain. It was not long at all and the two MRI techs were absolutely amazing. One of them was the same tech I have had several times before, so it was not scary at all. It was pretty funny because Radiologythe one I have seen many time previously said to me, “Alyssa, do you have any questions before we get started?” Before I was even able to speak he said, “You know I can not tell you anything because this needs to be read by the Radiologist and I just do not have that type of knowledge. Now you also already know you can go online in a few days and read the full report.” I do tend to always ask at the end of the test if they saw anything like lesions. I hate waiting to see the doctor and I know the techs can see the images and probably have a somewhat educated guess on what they are looking at. My goodness they are so stubborn about sharing any news with me which I kind of think that is just mean, just kidding! He did make one funny remark by saying he was happy to announce that I do still have a brain!

For some reason today I am in so much pain, but I am doing my best to just rest. I do tend to use my Saturday’s as a day of rest and anything I think needs to be done waits until Intraoperative-MRI_Joyce_690x380pxlSunday. More than likely the reason for my pain is due to stressing about the MRI and also the argument I had with my mother on the way to the MRI. Isn’t it funny how when you are stressed about something all it takes is one comment to make the calm barriers fall down hard? The smallest of disagreements can turn into a disaster! I am not proud of this, but I am very strong in my nature and can have a hot temper when provoked. Anything I am really passionate about causes me to protect and defend it to the fullest. I will say things I mean, but it will come out in a very hostile manner. I do also believe that anything that happened yesterday is in the past and can not be changed, so all you can do is move on with life and hopefully be less hostile, but we will see about that!

Thank you for visiting my site today and I hope y’all have a great and restful weekend! IHappy-Weekend.-Do-what-makes-you-smile-and-be-happy will do my best to stay calm and definitely not continue thinking about “what” the results are going to tell me on Thursday. I think the only thing I can do between now and Thursday is keep my mind busy by thinking about only the positives aspects of life! Even though those positives can be hard to find because of all the negative in life are still there! Please remember that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love ❤and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

Very Special Man!

PoppyWhen I was younger there was always ONE voice that could make ANY situation better with just a few simple words. There was that ONE person who I held so dear to my heart❤ that could find the positive side in anything and everything in life. I had that ONE person that made everything better with his wise and very loving words. I admired this man more than words could ever even begin to describe because he knew ONLY love❤ and showed it with all he did in his life. My beloved Grandfather, who I actually called ❤Poppy, was literally the most amazing, admirable and loving people in this entire world! He touched the lives of so many with his kind and loving heart! 

Way back 18 years ago when I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis terrified and extremely sad, I called my Poppy in tears.  He calmly listened through my tears and offered his never-ending support, love❤ and great advice. The words he spoke has stuck with me through the years as he said, “Alyssa, you are strong and can handle anything this illness may inflict on you. But always remember no matter what struggles you may endure, someone else is always going through something worse, so stay strong.” I know just how true his statement is because even when things feel really bad, they could definitely be far worse. At this time I did share with him my fears that I could lose my ability to walk and be wheelchair bound and at the young age I was that was frightening. But he told me to never put thought in something negative until I am actually faced with it and that was wonderful advice.

My sweet Poppy passed away September 9, 2013, but I still remember all the words ofpoppys grave encouragement he shared with me through the years. In the times I am in a terrible amount of pain or feel a massive amount of stress, I hear his voice in my mind with all of his healing powers.

For some reason these past few weeks have been very difficult for me. My pain levels have been elevated drastically and the stress weighing on my mind has been at a HIGH! Some of this stress is the upcoming MRI that I found out today needs additional information from the MSAA. I have sent several emails to the person that was helping me, with NO response yet. But staying logical, I will try again tomorrow as this MRI has already been scheduled! I guess it is possible that some of the stress is I am over thinking EVERY aspect of life and have a difficult time letting go! I am very passionate about many things in life and do not accept “It is what it is and there is nothing we can do!” If I keep remembering my Poppy’s words, if we all stand strong, there is always something that can be done! I guess this is where I got my notion to NEVER GIVE UP!

I think it is very clear that my Poppy was my role model in life and I will always strive to be as much like him as I possibly can! There will never be another man like him, but I My Poppyguess that is what makes him so special. You know that being diagnosed with a chronic illness is tragic and life altering, but losing him was twice as hard on me. I know it has almost been 5 years, but it feels like yesterday when I got the call from my Uncle to tell me Poppy had passed away. I honestly felt as though my world came to a complete halt! If I had just one wish, which I know most people would think I would wish the MS away, but I would wish I could have just one more day with my Poppy. I would rather live with the struggles of Multiple Sclerosis for the rest of my life, if I could just have him here with us again. I would love to be in the car with him listening to him sing “Seven Spanish Angels” by Willie Nelson & Ray Charleshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8A9Y1Dq_cQ as those were the best and most memorable days for me. 

Thank you for stopping by my site today and reading this extremely emotional post. I must say this was the hardest post I have written and could not make it through without many tears. I truly wish that my Poppy would not only be proud of this post, but also of all the others that I have written. Always remember to cherish those you love❤ and make sure they know how you feel because unfortunately there is a time they are meant to move onto the next level and be in Heaven. I hope you have a nice and relaxing evening. Please always remember I am sending you LOTS of love❤ and comfort.

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

When a storm is brewing!

Storm nearing inIt sounds a little crazy to say, but I can feel a storm before it even arrives! Before I actually heard the thunder moving in all of my pain became increasing more intense. As this storm continues to build up in my area my back, legs and right arm have started to become more like a 10 on the pain scale. which isn’t any fun!

Honestly, I felt my pain increasing while I was still at work and was just chalking it up to the insane amount of frustration I was feeling! I was having a pretty heated disagreement with my direct supervisor. I normally would just let things go because I really hate confrontation, but I was sick and tired of being disrespected and thought it needed to be addressed and dealt with. To say the very least though, I ended the conversation by walking away when I saw it was not goingupload anywhere. When I get extremely angry I tend to cry before I yell and I could not give him the satisfaction to see how much he was getting under my skin! I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow and hope that he will not continue on with his petty harassing ways!

Anyways I got a little off topic with how the stormy weather causes me to feel so much additional pain! I feel like I could be a better weather person because my body tells me what to expect from Mother Nature! In my younger days, I would hear about how an elderly person can feel the rain in their bones and I never really put much thought into that. Now I may not be a young carefree person in her 20’s, but I am NOT an elderly person either! However, I do feel the rain in my body terribly! When it rains I just want to be able to stay at home where I am comfortable and not have to ever go out in it at all, but maturity with arguementunfortunately I do have to leave the comfort of my home to go to that place I work at, which as I already mentioned isn’t a pleasant place to be! When I add rainy weather and a semi-hostile work environment to my day, I often feel absolutely miserable!!! In these times I find it best to just stay very silent! Do y’all feel the rain in your bones, as I know many of you live with chronic illnesses? 

Thank y’all for visiting my site today. I do not typically do two posts in one day, but this was on my mind and felt it would be good to share this with you! I always appreciate your amazing comments which are always fantastic! I hope your day was much better than mine and I hope you have a very relaxing evening! Never forget that I am always sending you LOTS of love ❤and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

Calming Sunday!

happy sundayGood evening y’all! I hope your weekend has been very pleasant and enjoyable! Considering I am still feeling so much pain and fatigue, I literally have done NOTHING today! Doing absolutely nothing for one entire day has been both calming to my out of control nerves and peaceful! I can not believe I have missed out on this feeling for so many years! I am always one who wants to be on the constant move no matter how I am feeling, partially because when I am still, I feel pain a lot more!. Doing things around the house, organizing my week ahead and ensuring that everything that needs to be completed is done by the end of the day on Sunday has always been the way my weekends flow. It sounds SO crazy when I think about that a little deeper because things will always get taken care of when they are meant to, so why rush things along?

I think everyone is already very well aware that I am very disturbed by how the United States has been behaving lately. I feel strongly that the behavior of those in charge is setting a very BAD impression and example for all Americans, as some of us do still struggles and frustrationsbelieve in EQUALITY and LOVE❤! Of course there are still some Americans that blindly follow those in charge, which is sad and unfortunate! I find it extremely hard to relate to anyone that does not see what is really happening in this country! I am sorry if anyone finds this statement offensive, but it is how I feel everyday of my life. I have and always will see everyone as just human with no other judgement! I do not appreciate being constantly lied to from those in power of the country I live in because I feel that honesty is the best and only way to live!

I want to apologize for the slight tangent I went off on. I try to stay hopeful that things are going to get better and not any worse, but there is no guarantees with those making the decisions that inflict damage on our lives daily! Currently I feel that I am living in a your patienceconstant state of fear that I am going to end up losing health insurance because I have a pre-existing condition that I never choose to live with. I do not feel that I should be punished for living with a chronic illness, as that alone is punishment enough, so for our government to decide I may not qualify for insurance is absurd! This has not happened yet, but I do think it is in the works! Hell I think I already pay WAY too much for insurance! But it is scary for me  to think that Trump could easily have a bad day and have a temper tantrum that will eliminate healthcare for those with chronic illness! 

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for visiting my site today! I do encourage your amazing comments and promise I will response as quickly as I possibly can! I know some of what I have written is a lot different that what I normally write about, but my frustrations have been elevating drastically each day and every day I hear of what is going on in the United States. Trying to find the positive in what is going on is difficult, but I am sure it is there somewhere! I hope you have a lovely and relaxing evening! Please never forget that I am always sending you LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

** I forgot to ask y’all! Do any of you have Facebook as well? As of August 1st, all my blog post do not link to Facebook any longer and I kind of want them to still link to Facebook. Do you by chance know what I need to do, so I do not have to continue posting to Facebook manually?**

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

 

Friday finally arrived!!!

happy friday quotesGood afternoon y’all! If you are anything like me, you are so incredibly happy the weekend is finally here! But I also do hope y’all had a delightful week! This week has been a bit LONG for me because due to a staffing shortage in my office and an increasingly busy work load, I have been working some additional hours! I know I said that I was not going to push myself too far, but the stubborn part of me took control and I might have pushed a little further than I should have! The only day that I did not work 6 1/2-7 hours  a day was Thursday and that was only because of a doctor’s appointment, which really took priority for me! Thankfully, my appointment went well even though he was just a little dumbfounded with one of my questions. I guess it is a good thing it was not a too much of a life changing question! 

I am extremely relieved for the weekend because I definitely need some relaxation and rest time! I think it is safe to say that I am so far beyond exhausted that being just simply fatigued sounds like paradise. I know our bodies let us know when we need to rest, but I often ignore what my over exerted body is pretty much screaming at me. When I know that relax and don't controlsomething needs to be done, I tend to think everything needs to be right away and never completely understand that somethings really can wait! I am trying to get better at this, but it isn’t easy because I have some control issues about tasks being completed immediately and the right way! The funny thing is when I say I have come control issues about tasks being done, I never want any help and just want to do everything on my own, so I guess just try controlling myself! I guess only controlling what I do is better than trying to control others because that is very impossible!

I have been noticing an increasing amount of anger, frustration, hostility, hatred for no friday_quoteapparent reason and sadness in so many people! What is really causing these negative emotions among so many? I tend to blame the actions of those in charge of the country because they seem to be creating SO much negative energy which is why I do my best to avoid hearing anything they are talking (lying) about. I know there are many people who will agree with this statement and probably many who will disagree with me, which is okay because we are all entitled to our own opinions. If we all thoughts alike on everything there would be absolutely no dynamics and that might actually be a little boring! It is perfectly acceptable to have you own thoughts and opinions, but I do believe it is also extremely important to have an open mind as a close minded person never grows!

Thank y’all for visiting my site today! I always appreciate and value your comments as they are always very insightful! I hope your Friday has been very pleasant and I certainly hope you have an amazing weekend! Please always remember that I am sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

 

 

Music Therapy is the BEST!

Happy-wednesday-good-Morning-have-a-lovely-dayGood morning y’all! I hope you are having a great week so far and just think we are half way to the prize of the much-needed weekend! My week thus far has been a little busy at work because one person is on vacation. I mean I guess we all need a vacation, but the “team” I work with was already down one person. I do use the term “team” loosely because most of the time we are anything but that! There is way too much lack of communication, which in my opinion never results in success for anyone involved! Y’all probably already know my how my personality is and that I will push myself a little too far most of the time. Prior to this week I was struggling to work just 6 hours, but I am pushing myself to do more this week! I have been doing 6.5 hours early in the week and plan to do 7 for the rest of the week! I know this sounds pretty crazy considering 6 hours was killing me, but at least I do have the evenings to rest!

It seems that life just has a way of becoming iincredibly difficult at times. There are My-music-takes-me-places-that-my-feed-can-never-go...-Best-Quotes-Decor-sayingstimes that I honestly feel trapped in the shell of my body and want to find a way to escape from it! When my pain gets out of control and or the heat takes the life out of me, I just want to find a peaceful place to run to! I have found that music is absolutely the best therapy for everything!!! Suffering with pain, I turn the music up loud to distract my mind from the pain I am feeling. Battling with stress, I turn the music up even louder to drown the negative thoughts out. Crying with sadness, I will submerge into the music for comfort and peace. Frustrated with your job, which I normally am, I turn the music up even louder to avoid music-noteall the negative energy that is surrounding me!

Maybe it is just me but I can get completely lost in music! There are certain songs that resonate with what I am feeling at any moment in time. There are even songs that can turn a really bad day into something a lot more positive! To me there is more to a song than just the words being sang, but the musicality of a song that can take me to another place far away from any pressures I am feeling! Sometimes the mood I am in might require lots of base to drown out my thoughts and other times I just need a nice soothingMusic-is-my-life-music-5797397-376-298 song to ease my mind.

This week I was fortunate enough to be nominated to do the song/lyric challenge which was absolutely amazing! I shared with y’all two songs from The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, but what I failed to  share was my husband and I were able to see this band play live last Friday! Having the opportunity to see one of our favorite bands, which also holds SO much sentimental meaning was a wonderful way to end the week! The funny thing is, we almost did not go because I was in a lot of pain. Even though I suffered the consequences on Saturday, I am still SO incredibly glad we went! The music music is my medicineand being able to interact with this amazing band after the show was well worth the pain I endured! I am also still thrilled that I was able to meet Erin Winter, which is Randy Winter’s wife. Randy is one of the amazing guitarists from this band and has always been so kind to my husband and I! I had gotten to know Erin on Facebook, so finally meeting her in person was wonderful as she really is an amazing woman!

Thank y’all so much for taking the time to visit my site today and I definitely look forward reading your comments as I know they will be great! I hope you have a wonderful Wednesday and really hope you are feeling the best you possibly can! Please always remember that no matter what I may be going through, I am always sending y’all LOTS of❤ love and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤