I’ve been nominated for the Blogger Recognition Award by Claire from pain pals and that is what she has become! She writes about her chronic illness but posts a lot of inspiration throughout her blogs. Claire shares other people’s writing aswel again spreading even more positivity. Thank you so much for nominating me. You can […]
It has been many years ago, but that day in April 2002 is a one day that I will never forget. I was at work struggling with not being able to see anything out of my left eye. Logically, I scheduled an appointment with my eye doctor only thinking that I was going blind. I have always been the type of person that was open with my managers about anything medical, especially when I was a little scared. So, my manager and a co-worker I was close to, knew why I had to leave work early. Both of them did offer to drive me to my appointment, but I was stubborn and said I could drive myself. As I was leaving they both told me to call them if I needed anything and definitely let them know what I find out from the doctor.
My drive from my old office to my eye doctor would be a 30 minute drive on a good day with hardly any traffic, but there was an unusual amount of traffic on this day causing the drive to take close to an hour! Luckily I always allow myself extra time because I really do hate being late, so I did make it on time! Of course I had to wait in the waiting room for a short time which allowed me time to respond to the text message from my manager and co-worker with them letting me know they were thinking about me!
When the doctor’s assistant called me back to the room, she asked me to explain what I was going through, which is always just a little frustrating because I had already explained this to the scheduler before hand. But, I did explain to her that I could not see out of my left eye but that my right eye was just fine. She had me to do the eye exam, I guess just to confirm what I had been saying. After another few minutes the doctor came in with his very pleasant personality and was trying to be as comforting as he could when I was already getting more concerned. My eye doctor, Dr. Walter Atlas, looked over the information his assistant had obtained, looked into my eye, did a few other what I considered random tests and then dilated my eye to do the last exam. He left me alone in the room for what seemed like hours when in all reality was probably just 30 minutes. When he came back in he said, “Well, Alyssa you do not have any kind of obstructions in your eye but obviously, something is not right.” He then carried on to tell me he was concerned with what my symptoms were, so he consulted with some of his colleagues and it was decided among several of them, that is was looking like I had Multiple Sclerosis. He was not able to finish his sentence when I started crying hysterically. The poor man did not know how to handle a young girl of 19 that was crying inconsolably. I did already know he had a daughter a little younger than me and corse hated seeing his daughter cry and not be able to fix it, so seeing me all alone in his office made him think of her, which he did tell me later. Dr. Atlas wanted me to be able to find out 100% for sure if it really was MS so he scheduled me a MRI for that same evening, only 2 hours from the time I left.
His news caught me SO off guard, it was literally the last thing I ever expected to hear that day. As I sat there alone in his office trying to make sense of what he had just told me all I was able to think of was that my father’s wife has MS and needed a cane or a wheelchair to get around, and I kept seeing that happening to me as well. I was so young, native and had only been exposed to one person with MS and knew no one in my family had MS. At that time I really did not know what MS was. In my young mind I was thinking I was going to be diagnosed, end up in a wheelchair and die sooner than I ever could have thought. Now that I am older and wiser, I know how absolutely insane that sounds, but I was young!
When I left my eye doctor’s office I was still so upset and still crying, plus my eyes were still dilated, I actually took a wrong turn and got lost. At that point I was so frustrated and did not know what to do, so I pulled over to the nearest gas station to ask for directions. I must have looked a mess but the nice lady at the counter informed me that my house was really close and told me where I needed to turn. I got back into my car and finished my drive home. I walked in the door still crying and SO confused I finally decided to call my mother and give her my news. Sometimes it doesn’t help when you are already upset to have the person on the other line upset as well.
Finally, it was time for me to get to the hospital for the first MRI I have ever had. I remembering laying the machine, having to be perfectly still scared to death. After 2 and a half very long hours, the test was finally over. As all of your that I have had a MRI, they are not allowed to tell you anything which has always been so frustrating. You know they see the screen and hopefully know what they are looking at. I left the hospital in tears again because I hate waiting for answers, especially about something that could be life altering. Honestly, I had not been home for 30 minutes when my eye doctor, of all people called me from his own home to give me the answers I wanted but did not really want to hear. He calmly explained to me that the MRI results did show that I did have MS. I guess he had really been prepared before I had left his office as to what the results were going to be, because he had already scheduled me with one of, if not the best Neurologist in my area for just a couple of days later.
Over the next few posts I am planning to continue how my journey went when I was first diagnosed. The next post I will tell you about my first appointment with the best and most compassionate Neurologist I have ever met, Dr. Michael Kaufman! It is easier and better for me to remember about all the feeling I had in the very beginning slowly. I do remember the first several years was incredibly hard for me and my ways for coping back then, were not anything that I would recommend anyone else doing. My coping mechanisms were not smart, they were immature and unhealthy, nothing illegal I promise!
I hope y’all have a good evening and thank you for stopping by to read my post for the day. This will kind of be a post series because it takes me a lot of time and emotion to do this. As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. Our communications really do make me so happy and I do hope you are enjoying my writing as much as I enjoy sharing this with you!
Happy Sunday! I hope y’all have enjoyed your weekend! It has definitely been a very difficult few weeks or even months, but all bad times have to have an ending point, don’t they? The dark skies in life have to lift into bright sunny times at some point, right?!
Y’all know that I have been suffering from the worse MS flare up I have had since I was diagnosed, 16 very long years ago. I have tried getting up to brush myself off from what I have viewed as failed moments, only to fall back down into hard times again and again. I have tried holding onto my positive thoughts just to wake up feeling like it was all for nothing. How many times have I said I was going to try going back to work and not succeed? It is so frustrating to try something several times and not be able to accomplish my end goal! Sometimes I do wonder if all of this is from the tail end up the flare up or if it is feeling sorry for myself for not beating all of this sooner! I have had exacerbation’s several times before that have gotten me down but I have always won the battle! So, why this time do I feel like the MS is defeating all of my strength?
A little more than a month ago I do remember the doctor telling me that I have many new active lesions on my brain and spine. But, I mean damn these lesions can not just stay active indefinitely, can they? I do not know which scare me more, the new lesions on the spine or the brain! What I can say is I have a lot of nausea, headaches, dizziness, I have lost the ability to focus, terrible fatigue and I have some other motor skill problems. I have experienced balance problems before, but now I feel like it would be so easy to just tip over when I stand up. In my mind I do know that time heals all injuries, which is what the doctors call the lesions that I have. But in my heart and the not so logical part of me, I wonder if this is ever going to get better. Curiosity got the best of me last night and I decided to read over the MRI report, again! It might sound crazy, but I do not remember hearing the doctor go over the report with me a month or so ago. Honestly, I probably tuned out everything she said because being shown proof there is an issue and being forced to accept it is really hard for me to do. It is so much easier to just try to ignore what our body is going through sometimes!
I honestly have not had the energy to do a post in a few days now. In a way I do believe this flare up has been my fault and could have been avoided if I did not make the decision to change disease modifying medicine from Gilenya, that was working for 6 years to Tecfidera. But, I did feel that some things I was dealing with could have been being caused from the Gilenya. Then when I tried discussing this with my new doctor, I felt that she was not hearing what my concerns were. I feared that I was on the Gileyna for too long because originally I was told you could not stay on it without a break for an extended time period. Plus, I could not understand why I was staying on a medication that I could not tolerate the full amount anyway. I am a very headstrong person and do not appreciate when any doctor dismisses my thoughts, it only causes me to be adamant to do the opposite of what they recommend. I have asked myself several times if I regret my decision to switch my medicine and I really do not know the answer. If I never tried something new, I would have always wondered if it would have been a better choice for me. Then again, now I am wondering if I would have had this horrible flare up no matter what medicine I was on. I have never done well with having so many questions but literally no answers!
I have a question for everyone that reads this blog! Do you think it is an unhealthy thing for someone who battles any type of chronic illness to read and write about their illness several hours a day? In my opinion, I do not think there is anything wrong with it. I have been told that it is not a good thing to do and everyone needs something else to focus on that does not involve anything to do with the battles they fight with their illness. I guess I feel that no matter what I am doing whether it be writing about my illness or reading a book that has nothing to do with illness, that illness is not going away and if I can write something that helps someone else and in turn helps me to get my emotions out, I think it is worth it! But, please tell me if I am viewing this wrong.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts for the day. As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. I do want to get back to work tomorrow and start doing more with my days, so I am really hoping things will work out this time!! I have been dealing with so many pain and other issues I think trying to focus on work might help me some! I am sorry that my post may have been a little all over the place, I am still having some focus issues so I hope I did not have too many crazy grammar issues! I hope you have a great evening and I hope the start to your week goes fantastic!!
I thought this was a wonderful idea one of my fellow bloggers posted yesterday and wanted to share it with all of you. I think this is a great way to get to know others!! I will be sharing my answers shortly!
Hello loves, ❤
Please see below 56 questions on finding out who you really are?
I shall put my answers to these questions tmrw, so stay tuned 🙂
- Do I believe that everything is meant to be, or do I think that things just tend to happen for no reason at all?
- Do I forgive and forget? Or do I forgive, but always remember?
- If I could give one piece of advice to everyone in the world, what would it be?
- Do I think that people can change, or that they just are who they are?
- Would I consider myself to be religious or spiritual?
- Would my 10-year-old self be proud of me?
- What do I think is the best revenge?
- What would I change about myself?
- On the flip side, what would I never change about myself?
- Can I confidently say that the path I am on in life…
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I hope y’all had a good Monday! I actually went back to work today, for a half of day. It is crazy how much working for four hours can take so much out of you! Of course I have not worked in about a month, so I think my body was in shock. Hopefully things will get better as the week goes on.
I am trying to move back into the flow of work slowly, so that I do not fall backwards in my road to recovery. I did think about just working four hours a day this entire week, but I think I will wait to decide after a few days have gone by. Maybe my body will adjust to work again and it will not hurt as much as it did today. After a few hours today my body was screaming at me to go back home. When I came home at 1:30 I just wanted to lay down and get comfortable.
I am hoping that tomorrow, being my second day back at work will go a little smoother. Maybe I can add a few more hours each day until I am back to working 8 hours! If any of you have any advice on how to work through pain, I am all ears!
Thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts for the day. This was a pretty short post, just because of my pain today. I just wanted to give y’all a quick update! As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as I can. Our communications really do make me so happy! I hope you have a great evening! I am hopeful that my day tomorrow will be better than it was today. I just need to figure out a way to make my desk at work a little more comfortable!
We all need a day that we sleep in and then continue to rest for an entire day! Today is my day to do all of that. I actually sleep in this morning, well until one of my precious cats decided it was a good time to jump in my face to wake me up, but I think she knew it was past the time for our other cat to get his asthma medicine he takes every morning.
Sometimes, I think that all of us try to push the limits for what we should do. Maybe I am wrong and most people know their limits and do not push them, unfortunately I am not one of those people! I mean for the most part I know my limits, but do not like being restricted and push beyond them. Heck I tried going back to work last week but my body just was not there yet and I ended up out for another week. I am really bad at asking for help when I know I need it but I am trying to get better about that.
I know most of you can relate to how I am feeling, I just want to live a normal life without any pain or restrictions! I want to be able to wake up and say “I am feeling good today!”, but unfortunately I can not seem to get to that point. Considering I know that as of now, there is not a cure for MS, so I think it is important to just embrace and accept MS as life. Before my most recent exacerbation, I was able to embrace all that MS was throwing at me with grace. This last exacerbation was so hard to embrace, but I wonder if I just accepted the issues I was having, if I could have made it past everything easier and faster. Questioning myself is not going to help anything because I really tried and followed doctors orders to the letter!
Overall, I want to believe that the hard times I have gone through, have made me a better and stronger person. We all have hard times that really build our character, even if we do not realize it. Living with a chronic illness or really just living can be hard, but we are all strong enough to never give up. Moving on past the hard times is really more difficult than the onset of issues. Everything we deal with in life, no matter how easy or difficult it is, should make us proud and a lot more empathetic towards others.
If you really take a look at the people we have known for years, or some that we just met, do we really know what they are dealing with in life? Do we know the struggles someone has gone through to get to where they are now? I honestly feel that a lot of people are so focused on their life and their hardships, they lose sight of the fact that everyone has difficult times. I do try to understand others and what they are struggling with and I try to show compassion and that I do care! It is amazing how much it may help someone if you put forth an effort to show you care! I have actually found that when someone has a very negative attitude towards life or their jobs, that just means that need a little extra compassion. I am not saying one person can fix someone else’s outlook on life, but it may help them feel a little better about themselves.
I hope y’all are having a great weekend! It is a rainy gloomy day here today, so it really was the perfect day to just rest and enjoying relaxing! As always, please leave a comment and I will respond to you as quickly as I can! The weekend is quickly coming to an end, so enjoy the remainder of it! Take care!!
This post has very little to do with MS and more to do with the big picture of life. Of course MS is part of my daily life, but there is so much more than that going on around me. I am that person that tries avoiding watching the news, because there is never really anything positive being said. So I think, why allow the negative to invade the life I am trying to make positive?
It really makes me so sad to see all the hate in the world today. There are way too many what appear to be random shootings, killing innocent people and destroying lives. I have family that lives in NYC, so the most recent event really scared me. Thankfully my family was not harmed, but there were 8 lives taken too soon and 11 injured during this tragedy, leaving the families to pick up the shattered pieces and the injured to heal. There are no excuses for the violence!
It is 2017 but the way some act you would think it was 1917. What happened to equality? Why do some people, does not matter the color of their skin, feel that they are better than another? I feel strongly that everyone deserves to be treated equally and with respect, unless they do something that takes that respect away. When I talk to someone I do not see the color of their skin, their choice of religion or whom they love does not affect the way I see them. To me, everyone is free to love who they love, worship who they choose to worship and just be who they are as long they do not cause me any harm. The song by Black Eye Peas, Where is the LoveWhere is the love, really sums up how I feel.
My hope is that there will be improvements in the world within my lifetime. I do not remember there being this much adversity when I was younger, but maybe I was just too young and native to see things the way they were. It is possible that as I get older I am seeing people and their actions for what they really are.
I have made arrangements with my job about how and when I will be returning to work. I am going to go back to work, hopefully on Monday but my hours will be adjusted. I am going to work Monday and Tuesday from 10-3 and Wednesday 10-2 due to an appointment I have. After Wednesday, I am going to access how I am feeling and figure out what I can handle the remainder of the week. My manager completely understands that I have to take things slowly so I do not set my healing back and can work to the best of my ability.
I hope y’all had a good day and that your evening is going well! I know this post had a few different thoughts so if you have any comments please feel free to leave them and I will respond to you just as quickly as I can. I hope that the beginning of this post did not offend anyone because that was not my intent, I am honestly just a little upset about the way some treat others. I will always pride myself on treating others in a way that I want to be treated which is with respect and compassion! Thank you so much for reading my rant and about my plans! Take Care and stay positive!!
Good Evening Y’all! I hope you had a good day! As always, please leave a comment and I will respond to you as quickly as I am able to!
For some reason today was one of those days, I just wanted to curl up on the couch and just kind of be alone. I guess it is common with those of us with MS and probably any chronic illness to have those days when our moods are a little out of sort. I am sure that this will pass just like everything else.
I am planning tomorrow to go to get updated pair glasses, so when I do not feel like messing with contacts, I will still be able to see. I do not know if it is just me but wearing contacts all day long end up irritating my eyes. During my outing, I am planning to have lunch with my mother. Considering the amount of fatigue and pain I experience we are only going to those two places and then back home, I really do not want to wear myself out too much the day before I return to work.
I did not do much today but I am so exhausted, I can hardly keep my eyes open but I also could not take a nap. I guess it is because my mind just will not stop running on overdrive. I am trying to keep the stress I feel under control by reading my book that is all about stress and I started crocheting a blanket! In the past crocheting always helped me relax because my mind is thinking about the blanket I am making. Funny thing is, I completely forgot how to even begin my blanket because it has been about a year since I did my last one. So I watch one video on YouTube and it all came back to me! I do think the most frustrating part of crocheting is the beginning part of whatever you decide to make. Once that initial part is done of starting what you are making it gets so easy and just clears your mind. I have several blankets I have made in the past that I am thinking about donating to the Crisis Ministry. Last year I already donated several scarfs I made to Crisis Ministry.
I hope y’all are doing well and having a good evening! Take care and always remember if you need anything, I am here to try to help as much as I can!!
I hope y’all are having a good weekend so far! I am sorry in advance, if my post today offends anyone, I am just trying to make sense of what has happened to humanity.
Life has a way of throwing some life alternating changes our way, without any kind of warning! Some of these changes can be detrimental to the way live or they may provide astonishing changes. We all have the ability to recognize that certain things we do, whether it be our diet, exercise or lack thereof, time management, prioritizing, respecting others, making time for family etc, might be suffering slightly. Many people in today’s society get wrapped up in the stresses of work or political drama or reality TV shows, sports or materialistic things that do not matter in the big picture and so many forget what is really important in life.
In my opinion the most important things we have in our life are love, honesty, honor, values, respect and integrity. It makes me so sad when I hear of all that hatred that goes on in the world. So many people are suffering with illness, homelessness and loneliness, I think we just need a little more love and respect. Some people when they see a young person parking in a handicap space or in a wheelchair, there is an automatic stigma attached. I think there needs to be a lot less judgment and a lot more understanding.
With today being Saturday, I only have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest before heading back to work. I am trying to test myself a little today, just to see how much I really can physically and mentally handle before being worn out. This morning I started to clean my house, but I did so in small portions at a time. Cleaning and organizing the house was in a strange way relaxing!
The only thing I did today, that I promised I was going to avoid, was allow my stress level to increase. After a phone call I received earlier, I allowed anger and hurt to consume my heart and mind. Even though that did occur, I was able to get out some feelings that were bottled up inside, for a very long time. I actually feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
Thank you so much for reading my post today! I know some of it was a bit of a rant, but I was just expressing how I am feeling about how I feel humanity is acting lately. I am one that believes strongly in treating everyone equally and with respect! I do believe firmly that trust is something that is earned , not given blindly and when that trust is lost, it is nearly impossible to recover. When I love, I love wholeheartedly and I would do anything for my family!
If you have any comments, please feel free to leave them and I will respond just as quickly as I can! Also, if you have anything you want to chat about, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I hope you have a great evening!!!
Fantastic Information I read from a fellow blogger! This is excellent information and definitely seems like it is worth a try!!!! The website for this products is https://essentialoilexperts.com/essential-oils-for-pain/
DISEASE MANAGEMENT: Essential oils to relieve pain
Essential oils can be a huge help in pain relief. Many of us don’t want to rely on pills for pain management, and little other help is available, save a few salves and other topical applicants. You’ll notice many of the same essential oils are used to mitigate pain. I buy these in the bigger sizes, usually 4oz. Let’s begin!
There are three ways to use essential oils. The first is topical, whether diluted with a carrier oil or not (depending on the oil), applied directly to the affected area. The second, aromatic, consists of putting a couple of drops of the oil(s) in water in a diffuser. The third, which is probably the most difficult, is internal. You can buy empty veggie caps and fill them with a combination of carrier oils and essential oils. Most of these I would recommend applying…
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