203445-Happy-Thursday-Good-Morning-ButterflyGood morning Y’all! Today I am not giving thanks just because it is “Thanksgiving”, I am giving thanks because there are so many things and people I am thankful for everyday of my life. Like I said yesterday, I do not need a designated day that some countries only acknowledge thanks once a year for, I am thankful everyday for my life. I do understand that there are actually many countries that do not celebrate Thanksgiving and I do appreciate that, but they love their family just as much if not more than we do here in the United States.

This morning I was very curious on how Thanksgiving really started and what I read and watched was a bit disturbing. There were numerous Native Americans asked how they feel about Thanksgiving and their responses were upsetting because I never realized how cruel things were back when this holiday was introduced. I am going to attached the article I read online and y’all view more than what I talk about, http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/thanksgiving-2017-native-americans-videos-what-do-they-think-racism-columbus-redskins-a8070611.html . Many of the Native Americans that were asked about Thanksgiving believe it was simply a massacre. Puritans came and slaughtered millions of Native Americans, stole their traditional land and damned their rivers. Many believed that Christopher Columbus was the first terrorist in America. These people believe that now Thanksgiving is just a reason to have family together and over eat. Of course then after a massive meal, everyone wants to start shopping and spending insane amounts of money for Christmas gifts. Anyone that lives in the United States knows that the stores will be exceedingly busy from now until January with a tremendous amount of consumerism. I mean for God’s sakes there are stores that are opening in the early afternoon of Thanksgiving Day with  early bird savings. What happened to enjoying time with loved ones? I do not mean to sound so negative about a holiday that is meant to be surrounded by family, but it is quite upsetting to think about how this “holiday” really started in 1619.

I am eternally thankful for my family that is still here with us and those that have passedhappy thanksgiving in heaven on. I was truly blessed to have had my wonderful Grandfather in my life and my husband’s amazing Grandparents for so many years! My Grandfather and my husband’s Grandparents made such a positive impact on my life! They were by all means the most loving, accepting, compassionate and all around truly amazing people who ever walked the face of this earth. It makes me sad that they are no longer with us in the physical sense, but they will always be a strong part of our heart!

After reading the article and watching the videos that I shared with you, I really do not know how I feel about Thanksgiving. I do not like to hear of anyone being mistreated because I feel like anyone and everyone must be treated with love and respect. Let me ask you, how do you feel about Thanksgiving and how do you celebrate it? I will love my family daily until my last breath and I will always enjoy any precious time I am able to spend with them! My heart breaks to know that even almost 400 years ago there were so many people being treated unfairly and it still goes on today in 2017. It makes me sad to know there are so many people who are not fortunate enough to have food on the table but then there are so many others that will spend a small fortune on shopping. What would happen if all those that spend so much money shopping the “greatest deals” around the holidays, would spend even a fraction of that to that to help those in need?

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts for the day. Again, I was not meaning to be negative I just like to know as much as I can about our holidays and what we are celebrating for. I truly hope that you enjoy whatever you are doing on this beautiful day! Please leave any comments you have for what I have written today and I will respond as quickly as I can. No matter what the day is, please enjoy your life as much as you possibly can and never forget to share love with those you hold dear before you miss that opportunity!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa

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Posted in Emotions, Thankful | 6 Comments

So Much To Be Thankful For!

Reason_To_Be_ThankfulI have always found it a little strange that we need a day that is titled “Thanksgiving” in order to think about what we are truly thankful for in life. No matter what kinds of struggles we may deal with in our lives, there is always something that we should be able to think of that we are thankful for! I do not need a “special” day to appreciate and acknowledge the great parts of my life. I feel blessed to have family that loves me unconditionally and offers me emotional support when I need it! 

Everyone at work today was talking about their plans were for Thanksgiving. Most people complain about either making a huge meal or having to drive long distances, when it is really all about spending time with loved ones. For Thanksgiving my husband and I are planning to have a quiet day at home together with our cats! I did talk about making us the traditional Thanksgiving meal but I decided to make what I am best at, lasagna! I feel like it has been a little while, but we are planning to visit with my in-laws on Friday. With my mother being a nurse, she has to work tomorrow but I hope for her sake it will not be a busy day!

In a very crazy way, I am even thankful for MS. As difficult as it can make my life, it Thankfulreally has made me a stronger person. Plus, I do know that as much pain as I have been experiencing, it could be so much worse than it is. I am so grateful that I still have full function of all my body parts, even if they hurt like hell! I remember when I was first heard I had MS, I was terrified that I was going to be in a wheelchair. Even if someday I do have to use a wheelchair, I am old enough now to know my life will still carry on, I will still be able to do most things I do now but back then I thought it would be absolutely horrible. 

Even though it has taken me a while, I have been able to slowly build my strength up which is enabling to work more hours daily. Shockingly enough I had a fairly good 5 hours at work today and I was able to control my stress and pain slightly better. Next week, hopefully things will continue to improve and I will get closer to my normal work schedule of 40+ hours. I know my plans of working so many hours does not seem very exciting but the paycheck is always nice to see! I guess it is true, you have to work hard in order to play and do what you want to do in life.

friendship_and_butterflies_note_card_set_of_eight_681d5cb5Another thing I am very thankful for is my blog and the amazing friends I have made through this. I have had the opportunity to communicate with people all over the world and learn not only about their experiences but also their country. Being able to learn so much about other countries I feel like I have almost traveled the world! 

I have learned that not all countries celebrate Thanksgiving, but I hope that whatever y’all do tomorrow and the rest of the week is filled with happiness and comfort. I am so excited that I have the next four days off of work to rest up more so that I can feel close to 100% better for next week. I also really want go this weekend to Crisis Ministry so I can give my donations for those that are in need of warm clothes. The temperatures have been steadily dropping, so I know there are people out there that will benefit from some warm sweaters and jeans! 

As always thank for you for taking the time to read and comment on my thoughts for the day, I will respond to all comments as quickly as I can! I hope y’all had a great day and I hope your evening goes very well! Take care and much love to all of you!!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa

Posted in Emotions, Healing, Positive Minds | 24 Comments

Another Day Down!

Happy Tuesday 1Today was just another day trying to work towards my goal of increasing my hours. I found that now I am doing better early on in the day, which is opposite that it was a few weeks ago. After working non stop for four hours I started to feel my body start aching and the headache start to slowly come back, but that might have been from staring at the computer for too long. But, I do think overall I am slowly getting better. A few weeks ago I would be crying and hardly able to move because I was in so much pain, but now things are nowhere near that level!

Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day because we have one person out sick and another person whose wife just had a baby today. My small team of co-workers just decreased by half! I told my manager that I was going to try to get to work earlier tomorrow and stay a little later than I have been, but that I would not leave until my half calm and slowof the work was completed. I get pretty determined and ambitious at times! I also told him that next week I am not promising to be back at 40 hours a week, but I would do as much as possible and wanted to just play my time by ear for now. He was very understanding and told me he definitely wants me to be back to work full time, but did not want me to rush myself. I do believe that my manager knows I value my work and want to be able to give all I do 100% but right now I do not have that ability, but I will get there!

I do know already that MS flare ups can last anywhere from a few days to months before all the symptoms have passed. The last terrible flare up I had was probably 8 years ago and I was out of work for 2 months, which was so frustrating for me. I have had a few minor set backs since that last bad flare up 8 years ago, but I only had to miss work a few days before I was back to my “normal” self. I really can not complain because as long as I take care of myself, rest enough and stay on the damn Gilenya, I do not think I will have anything too detrimental happen again for hopefully years. I know I need to learn to relax more and stress A LOT less I am trying, but I am 36 years old so it is hard to change old habits. 

Speaking of learning to relax more and stress less, I started a fabulous book today. My newGet your shit together book, that might end up being what I live by is called “Get Your Shit Together” by Sarah Knight. The key thing that caught my eye right away is she says, “How to stop worrying about what you should do so you can finish want you need to do.” I have a problem when I am always thinking about what I think “needs” to be done and forget the things that I actually want to finish. This book is a very easy and fun read, but I will warn you ahead of time she might use a lot of profanity which I guess the title gives that away. I truly love how real Sarah seems to be as she writes, which I find really inspiring. She does not try to sugar coat what we all sometimes do wrong when we make plans or allow for more  obligations to our lives that are not needed. I am really enjoying this book, so of course I wanted to share this with y’all! 

Thank you for reading and commenting on my thoughts for the day! Now that I am starting to feel better I am able to focus a lot better on my writing. I think there have been a few days that I was all over the place but I had so much building up in my mind and writing is how I can deal with those thoughts! Now that I am thinking clearly I will be able to continue my flash backs of when I was first diagnosed. I hope that what I went through all those years ago will be able to help someone else that maybe dealing with something similar now.

Until next time, I hope y’all have a great and relaxing evening! Take care and thank you again for all of your continued support!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa

Posted in Healing, Learning to rest, Positive Minds | 10 Comments

Successful Monday!

Monday 4I hope y’all had a great start to your week! Hopefully it was not a dreadful long Monday! I went to bed last night with a terrible headache and woke up early this morning with the same headache with no relief. But, I did still go to work and make it almost 5 hours, which was more than I had been able to do in a long time! So, I take this as a step in the right direction! I think things can only go up from here on out!

Considering this is a short week, I am hoping that I will be able to build on the amount of hours I can handle at work. After three hours all my pains started to increase, but I was determined to push myself further and not just cave into that pain. I thought maybe if I got up and walked away from my desk it would help with the blood flow and relieve some of the pain I was having. Getting up to stretch did help some and allowed me to continue my work for an additional 2 hours! I do think sitting at a desk, staring at a computer screen for extended periods of time is not really healthy for anyone and we all need to be able to move around for short lengths of time. Back at work

I can not say if the alarm going off or getting ready for work or the drive into the office is more draining, but all of them together are exhausting. Then you have to add the actual work to the mix! My goodness after my almost 5 hours today not only do I feel very fatigued but I also have a lot of pain. I plan to spend my evening trying to relax doing as little as possible! 

I really hope I have the strength to increase my hours over the next two days and then I will have a four-day break from work responsibilities. I can not say how I will be feeling physically next week, but I am going to try to stay very positive and take things slow. I do not want to set myself up for failure by saying next week I am going to work my normal Cure MSfull-time hours and be perfectly fine, because that is just making an irrational assumption. If I had the ability to control all the pain I have, I would have done that weeks ago, so who is to say I will be able to have that control next week? I am doing the best I can right now with dealing with pain that does not seem to go away or even ease up and the stress all of this is causing me, if only I had a magic wand to make everything better!

Thank y’all for visiting and reading my thoughts for the day! I do know and understand that things could be much worse and I do believe they are slowly getting better, I just wish things could be back to normal sooner than later! I hope y’all have a nice and relaxing evening!! Take care and I look forward to reading your posts and your comments to my post today!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa

Posted in Emotions, MS, Return to Work | 13 Comments

Quiet Sunday

Good afternoon Y’all, ISunday hope you have had a great weekend! It is hard to believe tomorrow is already Monday and the weekend is over. Unfortunately, I was not able get anything done that I wanted to over the weekend but I guess there is always next weekend. The only thing that I really wanted to do over the weekend was get the rest of my donations together and bring them to Crisis Ministry. With the change in the weather, I want to be able to donate some sweaters, socks, jeans and hoodies to those that are struggling and give them some warmth and comfort.

I am currently working to keep my flash back experience from when I was diagnosed going, but needed to gather my thoughts a little more about everything that happened. Today, I just wanted to write something that has more to do with what my passions are in life and a little less about the dreaded diagnosis!

I accepted many years ago that I had a chronic illness, that did not as of yet have a cure and may actually require me to adjust some parts of my life. Sometimes I can admit, I do allow the thoughts of what I should adjust in my life take over and forget that I just need to live life to the fullest!

There are so many other parts of life that I absolutely love and enjoy! I was very nervouswriting is my passion but I had several reasons for starting my blog four months ago. I have always been very passionate about writing and did write a lot of poems. I also have a strong desire to help others that are going through hard times. When I learned about blogging, I thought it would be the perfect way to use two of my passions and hopefully be able to do something good for others.

Through writing about my experiences with Multiple Sclerosis, I have had the amazing opportunity to connect with others that battle other Chronic Illness and learned so much about various illnesses that I only knew a little about. I have learned how others deal with their struggles and it is absolutely astonishing what some people do go through daily. The reactions that I have had over these four months have been both encouraging and enlightening. The positive attitude I do try to portray has given those that read my posts hope and courage, which I am so happy I have been able to do. I do strongly believe that the only way to make it through the hardest of times in life is to put a positive spin on the issues. During my most recent flare up, I have found that if you only think about the negative nothing is going to improve, but if you try to see the bright light through all the dark clouds, things will improve but it takes time.

when it rains it poursIt is so true that when it rains it pours. I guess it is almost a good thing for all bad things to happen all at the same time, because once you get through all the negative, good days will follow! Y’all know that I went through one heck of a flare up but at the same time my husband was battling with his own chronic pain. He suffers from migraines and terrible neck problems that literally nothing seems to help. Thankfully, my job was very understanding about my issues but I almost think it is because their hands were tired. Now his job on the other hand was not as understanding which is really ashame. Many people in this world have something that they have to deal with, but of course there is a lack of understanding from co-workers, friends and even family sometimes. I think that if someone does not have any kind of pains they deal with or have a family member with something similar they just can not relate. I will never understand why it takes most people to have someone close to them that suffers from an illness for them to be truly care. I have said it before, but there is a difference in empathy and sympathy but they are both very important. I can say from my own personal experience, it is frustrating and lonely when you feel like no one understands or even cares to try to understand what you are dealing with in life. 

I love our cats with all of my heart. They both bring so much joy and laughter871 to our lives on a daily basis. Animals are wonderful, because they have not been tarnished with all the hate, greed, jealousy and cruelty that society brings into our lives. Our cats do not know hate they only show unconditional love to us and each other. I am so thankful for them and all their love! I wish people today could learn something from animals love!

I am truly thankful for my family as well. My mother does her very best to understand and sympathize with my MS struggles but I know it is hard for her because she does not family is importantlike to see me in pain. Even though my husband has been dealing with his own struggles, he tries to be my rock and assure me that my pain issues will get better. My in-laws are wonderful people who are always trying to do what they can to help their loved ones. My mother in law is a lot like me and wants to see the good in people. With all the hatred in the world today, it is sometimes so hard to see the good but it is important to at least try. My sister-in-law came to our house last night with our niece and let me just say, that little girls laughter can brighten the room so easily. This 5 year old girl has more sense and can carry on a conversation better than most people I come in contact with daily! When I was growing up, my family was not close at all, so I never really understood how important a strong family bond was. I did always have a strong connection with my Grandfather, but that was all I knew besides my mother. I am delighted that my mother and I have always been able to maintain our relationship, even through really hard times. I am so incredibly thankful for the family love my husband has brought into my life! I am truly thankful to finally understand a true family bond!

I really hope y’all had a great weekend and are ready to start a new week. This week I am going to make a true effort to be able to work more than 4 hours, but I am also not going to push myself too hard. Thankfully, it is going to be a short week regardless of how many hours I can handle! My office will be closed on Thursday and Friday, so I only have to get through three days. It hopefully will not be too hard. I am working on a post about medications I have tried and what that experience was like for me. Thank y’all for visiting today and as always, I do appreciate all of your comments! I do respond as quickly as I can! I hope the rest of your day goes well and take care!!!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

 

Posted in Emotions, MS, Pain, Positive Minds | 22 Comments

First Neurologist Appointment

butterfly weekendI hope y’all had a nice Friday and a great week! This week I actually worked more than I have in over a month due to my crazy flare up. Luckily my job has been very understanding with my reduced hours. Reducing my hours has been so much helpful.

Even though it is a little difficult and slightly emotional for me, I want to try to carry on with my journey of being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis so many years ago. As I already said, my fabulous eye doctor had worked out my meeting with the best Neurologist (well that is how I feel at least!) where I live, before we even had the official MRI results. I guess he just had that doctor intuition to know what was going on and how to handle it as quickly as possible. It still completely blows my mind that an eye doctor, of all people, has the ability to figure something like MS out, when a lot of general physicians might not be able to do so. As most of you know getting an appointment with a Neurologist seems to take forever, but my eye doctor got me an appointment 2 days after we had the MRI results, which was amazing in itself! I think they must have been friends or golf buddies! 

The two days I waited to meet my Neurologists seemed like the longest days of my life! I did so much research on MS during those days and truthfully, it scared the hell out of me. I felt like my entire life was changing before my eyes and there was no stopping it. When you get diagnosed with a chronic illness at any age but being as young as I was, you still have a childlike mind and think life is over and will never be normal again.Cure MS

Between my research and crying, the days finally went by and it was time to come face to face with the Neurologist, that seemed to hold the cards of my future in his hands. I remember walking into the office and seeing so many people either sitting peacefully waiting or in a wheelchair or there was a cane or walker beside them. This was a scary experience for me because I already thought that someday, what those people were going through would be me and it terrified me to no end. 

Finally after a long wait, which was honestly only about 5 minutes the nurse called me back. The nurse was an amazing woman who was comforting and understanding of my emotions and fears. After she did the vitals and vision test, the nurse left the room telling me the doctor would be in shortly. It was not but 5 minutes when the doctor came in and introduced himself as Dr. Kaufman. He informed me that Dr. Atlas told him a little about what I had been going through but asked me if there were any other alarming symptoms I had been dealing with. At that time I told him that I had been battling headaches my entire life but was not sure if he would consider that an alarming symptom. Of course he entered those notes in my chart and then told me he wanted to go over the details of my MRI. He explained the issue I was having with my left eye was known as Optic Neuritis but it can and will go away. He told me that Optic Neuritis is demyelinating inflammation of the optic nerve and was common with MS patients. I did not handle that well andleast expect it started crying again because he had just classified me as a MS Patient and I was not ready for that yet. He continued with explaining what the MRI results were. He told me that I had several lesions in my brain and in my spine, but we may be able to reduce their size by using steroids. He told me that my MRI results indicated that, yes I did in fact definitely have MS and I needed to start thinking of medication to take to slow the progression. He asked if anyone in my family had MS and I told him no one had MS. He did say it was good that we were able to catch this while I was young because we had a better chance of controlling it and that to date I was his youngest patient, oh what luck I have!

It was not until the end of our conversation he brought up the disease modifying medication again, which I was dreading. He said he would recommend I try Rebif, which is a sub cue injection to be done three times a week. I was not thrilled about having to give myself a shot 3 times a week, but back then there were not oral medications available yet and Rebif was the best drug for Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis, so I said I would try it. The nurse came back into discuss with me how to do the shots and what the common side effects may be, but they would all pass.

So I left the doctor’s office and headed home with this new medication that I had to give myself 3 times a week. I was so scared and exhausted from all the emotions that I felt before the visit and during the visit, all I wanted to do was get home to the comfort of my bed and try to forget everything!

Trying to come to terms with what I would have to live with was so hard but I promised myself way back then I would get through it the best I could. I actually vowed to myself that no matter what I would never allow my illness to control my life but I would negative 1somehow control the illness. I did not know anyone that had MS besides my father’s wife so I did not have many people to talk to about it. I actually did my best to hide it from most people because I felt too much shame that I had an incurable illness that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. At that time there were only a handful of people who knew what I was going through, which were my mother and grandfather who were so supportive and caring! For the few shots I had to do my mother came to my house to help me because I just could not do the shot at first. It is truly amazing what we can all learn to live with, especially when we know there is no other option!

Thank you all for reading my post today. I am slowly trying to go through my experience with being diagnosed with MS years ago and it is not easy. As much as I wanted to forget everything, I still remember this diagnosed like it was yesterday. Over my next few posts I will write more about my experience with the medications because there were a few I was on before Gilenya. Please feel free to leave any comments you may have and I will respond as quickly as I can! I hope y’all have a nice evening and a great weekend!!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

 

 

Posted in Emotions, MS | 10 Comments

Flash Back To The Very Beginning

ItBacktothebeginning has been many years ago, but that day in April 2002 is a one day that I will never forget. I was at work struggling with not being able to see anything out of my left eye. Logically, I scheduled an appointment  with my eye doctor only thinking that I was going blind. I have always been the type of person that was open with my managers about anything medical, especially when I was a little scared. So, my manager and a co-worker I was close to, knew why I had to leave work early. Both of them did offer to drive me to my appointment, but I was stubborn and said I could drive myself. As I was leaving they both told me to call them if I needed anything and definitely let them know what I find out from the doctor. 

My drive from my old office to my eye doctor would be a 30 minute drive on a good day with hardly any traffic, but there was an unusual amount of traffic on this day causing the drive to take close to an hour! Luckily I always allow myself extra time because I really do hate being late, so I did make it on time! Of course I had to wait in the waiting room for a short time which allowed me time to respond to the text message from my manager and co-worker with them letting me know they were thinking about me!

When the doctor’s assistant called me back to the room, she asked me to explain what I was going through, which is always just a little frustrating because I had already explained this to the scheduler before hand. But, I did explain to her that I could not see out of my left eye but that my right eye was just fine. She had me to do the eye exam, I guess just to confirm what I had been saying. After another few minutes the doctor came in with his very pleasant personality and was trying to be as comforting as he could when I was already getting more concerned. My eye doctor, Dr. Walter Atlas, looked over the information his assistant had obtained, looked into my eye, did a few other what I considered random tests and then dilated my eye to do the last exam. He left me alone in the room for what seemed like hours when in all reality was probably just 30 minutes. When he came back in he said, “Well, Alyssa you do not have any kind of obstructions in your eye but obviously, something is not right.” He then carried on to tell me he was Unknownconcerned with what my symptoms were, so he consulted with some of his colleagues and it was decided among several of them, that is was looking like I had Multiple Sclerosis. He was not able to finish his sentence when I started crying hysterically. The poor man did not know how to handle a young girl of 19 that was crying inconsolably. I did already know he had a daughter a little younger than me and corse hated seeing his daughter cry and not be able to fix it, so seeing me all alone in his office made him think of her, which he did tell me later. Dr. Atlas wanted me to be able to find out 100% for sure if it really was MS so he scheduled me a MRI for that same evening, only 2 hours from the time I left.

His news caught me SO off guard, it was literally the last thing I ever expected to hear that day. As I sat there alone in his office trying to make sense of what he had just told me all I was able to think of was that my father’s wife has MS and needed a cane or a wheelchair to get around, and I kept seeing that happening to me as well. I was so young, native and had only been exposed to one person with MS and knew no one in my family had MS. At that time I really did not know what MS was. In my young mind I was thinking I was going to be diagnosed, end up in a wheelchair and die sooner than I ever could have thought. Now that I am older and wiser, I know how absolutely insane that sounds, but I was young!Love

When I left my eye doctor’s office I was still so upset and still crying, plus my eyes were still dilated, I actually took a wrong turn and got lost. At that point I was so frustrated and did not know what to do, so I pulled over to the nearest gas station to ask for directions. I must have looked a mess but the nice lady at the counter informed me that my house was really close and told me where I needed to turn. I got back into my car and finished my drive home. I walked in the door still crying and SO confused I finally decided to call my mother and give her my news. Sometimes it doesn’t help when you are already upset to have the person on the other line upset as well. 

Finally, it was time for me to get to the hospital for the first MRI I have ever had. I remembering laying the machine, having to be perfectly still scared to death. After 2 and a half very long hours, the test was finally over. As all of your that I have had a MRI, they are not allowed to tell you anything which has always been so frustrating. You know images (4)they see the screen and hopefully know what they are looking at. I left the hospital in tears again because I hate waiting for answers, especially about something that could be life altering. Honestly, I had not been home for 30 minutes when my eye doctor, of all people called me from his own home to give me the answers I wanted but did not really want to hear. He calmly explained to me that the MRI results did show that I did have MS. I guess he had really been prepared before I had left his office as to what the results were going to be, because he had already scheduled me with one of, if not the best Neurologist in my area for just a couple of days later. 

Over the next few posts I am planning to continue how my journey went when I was first diagnosed. The next post I will tell you about my first appointment with the best and most compassionate Neurologist I have ever met, Dr. Michael Kaufman! It is easier and better for me to remember about all the feeling I had in the very beginning slowly. I do remember the first several years was incredibly hard for me and my ways for coping back then, were not anything that I would recommend anyone else doing. My coping mechanisms were not smart, they were immature and unhealthy, nothing illegal I promise!

I hope y’all have a good evening and thank you for stopping by to read my post for the day. This will kind of be a post series because it takes me a lot of time and emotion to do this. As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. Our communications really do make me so happy and I do hope you are enjoying my writing as much as I enjoy sharing this with you! 

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 19 Comments

Climbing towards the end goal!

butterfly eveningGood Evening Y’all! I hope you have had a great start to the week! Life is not always easy, but we all make it through the hard times even stronger than we were before. No matter what we go through in life whether it is be health issues, work problems, family difficulties, internal battles we do not talk about, financial struggles or anything else that weighs on our minds, there is no denying they all can be hard to handle. I know I have said this before but something my Grandfather said to me is always in my mind, “Someone else out there is always going through something worse.” That is never meaning what we are dealing with in the present is not hard or it does not mean anything, but it keeps me grounded sometimes! When I think about what I am dealing with right now, it is really mild and will heal itself in time, things really could be so much worse than they are!

I have been trying to look back over the past few months and I am appreciative that things did not progress more than they did. Even not feeling 100%, I have been able to stand my grounds with the doctors and most importantly, I have not given up at all. I didIm in the fight of my life start thinking that I was failing my battle with MS because my flare up has lasted so long, but I have not failed anything because I am still trying to get through to better times. The moment I stop trying will be the moment that I fail myself, which I do not see happening!

I do think it is very important in life to find some kind of outlet from reality. It is possible some of my outlets are not escaping reality but anything that helps someone carry on in life, is a good enough reason. Some people like to not think at all about what their struggles are and focus on something that is a direct opposite and others like to address issues with their eyes wide open all the time, no one can say which way is better because everyone is so different. I of course enjoy writing and building a strong network with those that understand. But, I also enjoy crocheting and the temperatures are good for that right now! Unfortunately, my hands are not cooperating with me right now, but they will get better soon I am sure of it! I have started a blanket already that is purple, black and light grey. I think it will be pretty and honestly, I might end up donating it to the homeless. I really feel like there are too many people who do not have a roof over their heads, no food on the table at night and cold in the darkness of night. It makes me so sad that so many people suffer something that hopefully none of us will never understand. 

It is really good to make goals in life but it is just as important to not set unrealistic goals, because that just sets you up for disappointment. Recently I have tried setting so many postivethinkinggoals for myself that are not reachable right now. Of course that does not mean those goals will never be achieved but right now things just need to be a little more obtainable. My initial goal of starting this blog was to be able to reach out to others with Multiple Sclerosis and other chronic illness because I wanted to be able to help them cope with what they were dealing with. I truly believe I have done fairly well with this, but over time I have also really learned so much from so many people! I know others with Multiple Sclerosis are dealing with so many more obstacles than I am and I appreciate reading their posts because again it makes me more grounded in my own issues. Learning from others experiences has really built my strength back to where it needs to be. I hope that the positive vibes I try to send out help others with their own battles. I really do believe positive thoughts will surpass the negative over time!

Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts for the day. It is always so wonderful to be able to write out my emotions freely with never worrying about negative judgments! As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. The amazing communications I have had with so many of you has been a great experience! I hope y’all have a great evening!!!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

 

Posted in Emotions, Healing, MS, Positive Minds | 19 Comments

Brighter Days Must Be Ahead!

Happy Sunday 1Happy Sunday! I hope y’all have enjoyed your weekend! It has definitely been a very difficult few weeks or even months, but all bad times have to have an ending point, don’t they? The dark skies in life have to lift into bright sunny times at some point, right?!

Y’all know that I have been suffering from the worse MS flare up I have had since I was diagnosed, 16 very long years ago. I have tried getting up to brush myself off from what I have viewed as failed moments, only to fall back down into hard times again and again. I have tried holding onto my positive thoughts just to wake up feeling like it was all for nothing. How many times have I said I was going to try going back to work and not succeed? It is so frustrating to try something several times and not be able to accomplish my end goal! Sometimes I do wonder if all of this is from the tail end up the flare up or if it is feeling sorry for myself for not beating all of this sooner! I have had exacerbation’s several times before that have gotten me down but I have always won the battle! So, why this time do I feel like the MS is defeating all of my strength?

A little more than a month ago I do remember the doctor telling me that I have many new active lesions on my brain and spine.  But, I mean damn these lesions can not just stay active indefinitely, can they? I do not know which scare me more, the new lesions on the spine or the brain! What I can say is I have a lot of nausea, headaches, dizziness, I have lost the ability to focus, terrible fatigue and I have some other motor skill problems. I have experienced balance problems before, but now I feel like it would be so easy to Positive thoughts butterflyjust tip over when I stand up. In my mind I do know that time heals all injuries, which is what the doctors call the lesions that I have. But in my heart and the not so logical part of me, I wonder if this is ever going to get better. Curiosity got the best of me last night and I decided to read over the MRI report, again! It might sound crazy, but I do not remember hearing the doctor go over the report with me a month or so ago. Honestly, I probably tuned out everything she said because being shown proof there is an issue and being forced to accept it is really hard for me to do. It is so much easier to just try to ignore what our body is going through sometimes!

I honestly have not had the energy to do a post in a few days now. In a way I do believe this flare up has been my fault and could have been avoided if I did not make the decision to change disease modifying medicine from Gilenya, that was working for 6 years to Tecfidera. But, I did feel that some things I was dealing with could have been being caused from the Gilenya. Then when I tried discussing this with my new doctor, I felt that she was not hearing what my concerns were. I feared that I was on the Gileyna for too long because originally I was told you could not stay on it without a break for an extended time period. Plus, I could not understand why I was staying on a medication that I could not tolerate the full amount anyway. I am a very headstrong person and do not appreciate when any doctor dismisses my thoughts, it only causes me to be adamant to do the opposite of what they recommend.could be worse I have asked myself several times if I regret my decision to switch my medicine and I really do not know the answer. If I never tried something new, I would have always wondered if it would have been a better choice for me. Then again, now I am wondering if I would have had this horrible flare up no matter what medicine I was on. I have never done well with having so many questions but literally no answers! 

I have a question for everyone that reads this blog! Do you think it is an unhealthy thing for someone who battles any type of chronic illness to read and write about their illness several hours a day? In my opinion, I do not think there is anything wrong with it. I have been told that it is not a good thing to do and everyone needs something else to focus on that does not involve anything to do with the battles they fight with their illness. I guess I feel that no matter what I am doing whether it be writing about my illness or reading a book that has nothing to do with illness, that illness is not going away and if I can write something that helps someone else and in turn helps me to get my emotions out, I think it is worth it! But, please tell me if I am viewing this wrong.

Thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts for the day. As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. I do want to get back to work tomorrow and start doing more with my days, so I am really hoping things will work out this time!! I have been dealing with so many pain and other issues I think trying to focus on work might help me some! I am sorry that my post may have been a little all over the place, I am still having some focus issues so I hope I did not have too many crazy grammar issues! I hope you have a great evening and I hope the start to your week goes fantastic!!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 47 Comments

56 Answers to the questions

butterfly weekendEarlier this week, I had re blogged a post from Discovering Your Happiness about Find out who you are (56 Questions). It has taken me a little while to answer the questions because I have not been feeling all that great, but I promised I would post my answers! I hope y’all enjoyed answering the questions and I hope you enjoy my answers! I did include what the questions were just in case you did not still have them!

  1. Do I believe that everything is meant to be, or do I think that things just tend to happen for no reason at all? I am actually a strong believer in, everything happens for a reason. 
  2. Do I forgive and forget? Or do I forgive, but always remember? I try to forgive and forget, but I will not lie sometimes the forgetting is hard. I do not hold a grudge but sometimes I do remember if I have been hurt too much
  3. If I could give one piece of advice to everyone in the world, what would it be?  My advice would be to never stop showing love and respect. Those two things are so important to me.
  4. Do I think that people can change, or that they just are who they are? This might make me a bad person, but I do not think people can change unless they admit where the issues are and work to make them better. But in my life people are just who they are.
  5. Would I consider myself to be religious or spiritual? I am more of a spiritual person but I do have my religious beliefs that I hold strong to.
  6. Would my 10-year-old self be proud of me? I think the 10 year old me would be very proud of whom I have become because I am a stronger woman now than I was at 10 years old. 
  7. What do I think is the best revenge? I do not like revenge because it doesn’t get you anywhere. All revenge will do is cause more issues. So I guess my best revenge is to let go of the negative situation
  8. What would I change about myself? I think the thing I would change about myself is sometimes, I am too compassionate. Sometimes being too compassionate can allow people to take advantage of you.
  9. On the flip side, what would I never change about myself? I would never change the part of me that tries to see the good in everyone. I am the type of person that always wants to help others more than I would help myself.
  10. Can I confidently say that the path I am on in life right now is the one that I (and no one else) would want for myself?  ? I am for the most part on the right path because I am happily married. I just need to get my flare up under control and removed from my life.
  11. It’s the year 2040. Where am I? My hopes for where I will be in 2040 are symptom free and living a nice comfortable life with my husband and 2 fur babies
  12. Am I a morning person or a night owl? Prior to my flare up, I was always a morning person and never a night owl. I am hoping to make it back to being a morning person
  13. Would I consider myself to be more creative or more logical? I am definitely more creative. I can be logical sometimes but then my heart gets involved and my logic goes out the window.
  14. What could I do to be a healthier person? I could be healthier if I could eat better and exercise more. 
  15. If time and money were no object, what would I do with my life? If time and money were not an object, I would want to travel the world and write my book or at that time maybe books!
  16. Is it all about luck or hard work? I think it should be about hard work but I do think sometimes it is about luck
  17. Should I live with no regrets, or learn from my mistakes?  I think I live life with no regrets. We only have one life to life so I say live it to the fullest.
  18. How would I describe myself in only five words? Honest, Caring, Compassionate, wears my heart on my sleeve I have a lot of intergrity
  19. Family first, true or false? True, family should always come first
  20. Can discipline be learned? I do think if someone tries hard enough and wants to learn discipline they can learn it!
  21. Am I as loyal as I think I am?  Yes I do think I am as loyal as I think I am
  22. How could people be a better friend to me?  People could be a better friend to me if they tried just a little understanding to what I deal with.
  23. How could I be a better friend to people? Yes, I could probably be a better friend if I tried reaching out to them more often than I do. 
  24. Is conformity a good thing or a bad thing?  Conformity can be a good thing but we all have to be ourselves. So I guess in some ways it is a bad thing
  25. What is a book I read that completely changed my outlook on life
  26. How can I be generous when I am not rich? You do not have to be rich to be generous; you can be generous with kind words. Kind words can go a long way. You can offer to help with anything you are able to.
  27. How can I improve dialogue and communication with those I deeply disagree with? I have to learn that you can not talk about politics with anyone, that can be a heated conversation, especially with family.
  28. If I had to make a list of my top 10 most important values, what would they be? Honestly, loyalty, faithfulness, be kind to others, understanding, never judge others, always help others, forgiveness (even when it is hard), never steal and do not seek out revenge. 
  29. What are my deal breakers for romantic relationships? Lack of trust
  30. Do I love myself? I try but sometimes when I feel horrible, it is hard
  31. If not, how could I find a way to love myself? I write about my emotions to get back to reality
  32. Is trust always earned, or is it a given until it’s broken? Trust is earned not just given blindly
  33. If I could apologize to one person, who would it be? If there is anything that needs an apology, I try to do it immediately. 
  34. And what would I say to that person
  35. If I was able to say one thing to my ex, what would I say? There really is not anything I would want to say to an ex. No relationships before my husband have ended with a negative tone
  36. If I could have one person apologize to me, who would it be? There are 2 people, but one is no longer with us.
  37. And what would I want them to say?
  38. Do I ghost people or do I give them a reason for breaking ties? I honestly need a good reason to just ghost someone because I do try to see the good in people. It takes a lot for shutting them out completely.
  39. Do I believe in karma? Yes
  40. How do I show I am angry? I am very silent when I am angry.
  41. In my opinion, what are my greatest strengths? My greatest strength is how much I care about people that are close to me
  42. In my opinion, what are my greatest weaknesses? I wear my heart on my sleeve.
  43. If I could go anywhere in the world, where would I go? Anywhere tropical, I love the beach
  44. 44  Is work-life balance important to me? Yes
  45. Is family important to me? Yes
  46. Is friendship important to me? Yes
  47. Is romantic love important to me? Well my husband is very important to me!
  48. If I could have one talent, what would it be? Travel at the speed of light:)
  49. What is one part of my life I miss and why? I would miss my family and fur babies, because those are the most important things in my life
  50. What are elements from that time I could incorporate into my present?
  51. Do actions really speak louder than words? Yes, you can not undo what is already done
  52. Am I happy with my career? Honestly what I am doing in my career is not what I see for the rest of my life
  53. If not, what could I change about my job to be happier and more satisfied? I would rather deal more with people that numbers on a screen
  54. What’s more important to me, self respect or being right? Self respect
  55. Do I learn from the past or live in the past? I learn from the past.
  56. When I die, what do I want to be remembered for? I would like to be remembered as a good and honest person.

I hope y’all have a great weekend! It took me a while to finish all the questions because it has been a hard week for me. I am really hoping next week will start getting better. I think over a month dealing with the pain and the end of this flare up is long enough!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

Posted in MS, Positive Minds | 7 Comments