Grudges and Forgiveness

Posted on February 19, 2023 by Positively Alyssa

Letting go of anger, bitterness, resentment, and grudges is easier said than done, especially when you have been holding onto it for too long. Unfortunately, many of us have been hurt by the words or actions of another during our lives. Maybe this was inflicted by a parent who disappointed or criticized you multiple times or a friend or partner that deceived you, or possibly you encountered a traumatic experience, such as a form of abuse during your life. Deep wounds from the past can create these negative emotions and so much more, but we do not have to be held prisoner by them.

The fact is that holding onto and dwelling on the pain will only cause you more heartache. When you can embrace forgiveness, you will feel peace and less pain. Embracing forgiveness may lead you to physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

What does forgiveness mean? The actions that caused you emotional pain may always stay with you, but forgiveness can release and reduce the grip the resentment has on your heart and soul. Forgiveness can give you freedom from the control of the one that hurt you, In time, forgiveness may even provide you with a sense of understanding, empathy, and compassion for the person that hurt you.

When we are hurt by a person that we love and trust, it can be easy to hold a grudge. The feelings that are involved with this grudge can steam from anger, sadness, confusion, resentment, and hostility. Allowing these negative emotions to take hold and derail the positive thoughts can cause you to become overwhelmed with bitterness.

Holding onto a grudge can be toxic and have several negative effects on our lives. A few negative effects a grudge can impact our lives with may include:

~Carry anger and bitterness into new relationships

~You may become so consumed with your anger, you are unable to enjoy your life

~You may experience depression, irritability, and anxiety

~You forfeit valuable and rewarding connections with others

Letting go of a grudge you have carried and moving into a state of forgiveness is a commitment that takes practice and time but may offer you several benefits. Forgiving someone for their wrongdoings does not excuse their behaviors nor does it mean you will forget what happened, but this is necessary for your mental well-being.

A few benefits to forgiveness may include:

1. Building and maintaining healthier relationships

2. Improve our overall mental health

3. Reduce anxiety, stress, and hostility

4. Lessen symptoms of depression

5. Lower blood pressure

6. Maintain a strong immune system

7. Enhance self-esteem

8. Improve heart health

I hope you found this post helpful. I do try to not hold onto grudges, but there have been several times when I have failed miserably. It is not healthy and will only hinder you in life holding onto grudges and resentment whereas letting go and allowing for forgiveness will only free you from the negativity. I do not think it would cause anything negative if we try forgiving those that have wronged us. Again, this does not mean we will forget what happened, but it can allow us to be less burdened with negative emotions!

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend doing what brings you the most joy and peace. I am looking forward to reading your comments and I will respond as quickly as I can. There are many people that I can forgive for what they did wrong, but there is only ONE person that no matter how hard I try, I will NEVER forgive. Even though I am unable to find forgiveness in my heart, I do not allow this person’s wrongdoings to prevent my happiness. Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

Forgiveness

Posted on April 17, 2022 by Positively Alyssa

Forgiveness can be one of the most challenging things to accomplish in life, especially when the person we are trying to forgive does not change and continues to disappoint us. We are never required to forgive someone and should only do so when and if we are ready to do so. Forgiveness is not something we do for the other person’s benefit and is for our benefit. This is meant to release ourselves from the feelings of resentment, regret, and reserve the limited energy we have inside.

If we forgive another person and they continue to let us down, should we continue to forgive that person or remove them from our life? I do not think there is a right or wrong answer for this question because it is a personal decision. We do need to think about self-preservation when making this decision. It becomes obvious when someone does not change, they are not thinking about anyone besides themselves, and we need to consider our needs.

In this short life we do not have a rewind button to go back in time and there is not a pause button, so we must understand we only have one chance. We should try to forgive but should not set ourselves up for further pain from being disappointed. Most times removing those from our lives that have caused monstrous amount of pain and heartache is the best chance for us to have a happier life.

Everyone deserves a chance to make changes. Even with that said, there are only so many chances we can offer before we are tormenting ourselves. Unfortunately, there have been people in my life that I have forgiven and even today they would continue to disappoint me if I did not remove them from my life. I do not have any regrets from eliminating people from my life. Why should I allow myself to be hurt repeatedly?

Boundaries and limitations are crucial to find. Personal boundaries are limits and rules we determine for relationships. Boundaries are a necessity to maintain self-care. Without boundaries we can feel exhausted, taken advantaged of and taken for granted. Not having boundaries can lead to resentment, anger, and feeling burnt out. Understanding our limitations means what we are willing to endure and to what extent.

Do you think there is such a thing as being too forgiving? How many times have your forgiven someone only to be hurt again by the same person? I am not sure what I think about being too forgiving. If the same person has hurt us multiple times, is that on them or are we responsible for the pain? There is saying, screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me.

There is still some of the weekend left and we need to enjoy it as much as possible. Hopefully, your weekend has been full of things that made you happy. Unfortunately, I have not felt well this weekend. It has mostly been sinus issues mixed with pain, but that is just normal for me. I know the Gilenya I take for the Multiple Sclerosis is responsible for the sinus issues, but I would rather deal with that than have the MS worsen.

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope you found what I have shared beneficial and helps you understand forgiveness, boundaries, and limitations. I am looking forward to reading your comments and will respond as quickly as I can! Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

Is a perfect world possible?

Posted on February 22, 2022 by Positively Alyssa

What would it mean to have peace in our world and is this something that could be possible? Should it be so difficult to have everyone be happy, free, fair, equal, and forgiving? Unfortunately, for centuries this does not seem to have been the case. Through war, people have tried to gain more control and the desire to force everyone to think the same way. War does not do anything but get too many people killed. Attempts to overthrow other countries, killing and destroying the lives of innocent people is complete nonsense in my eyes.

The amount of hate that erupts between people due to differences that cannot be changed is not solving any issues and only creates more problems. Why should anyone be allowed to judge someone based on the color of their skin, race, national origin, sexual preference, religious and or political following? Who can say the way another person is living, is not the right way to live? I strongly believe if we were all the same, the world would be an incredibly boring place to live. The past several years has shined new light on the way people think because it was made to seem normal and acceptable. These behaviors only spark hate and violence. Why are so many people unable to think for themselves and simply follow others like they are sheep? Why are so many unable to love and treat others with respect? It is 2022 and we all need to start evolving and being much better than we have been.

Do we even understand what peace means? I almost doubt it anymore because it is not something we have seen much of or seen at all. Peace is societal friendship and harmony, in the absence of hostility and violence. There is NO conflict or fear from impending war. We are all human, but no one is perfect so we SHOULD be able to get along. We may not have a lot in common, but we do all have a beating heart and feelings.

If you were able to make changes to the world for the better, what would your perfect world look like? What changes would you to accomplish this? Even though there is no such thing as perfect, changes could be put in place to make the entire world happier.

One MAJOR issue is corrupt politicians need to be replaced and bring in honest people that care about the safety and happiness of the world. People from every country need to rally together and become stronger. If we could support one another with love, compassion, and empathy, HUGE and AMAZING things could begin. Even people within the same country should start understanding each other.

Why does it matter where someone is from? Why does it matter what kind of job someone holds? Why does it matter who another person loves? None of these things should matter to anyone. The reasons people feel hatred in their hearts are unacceptable because most of them are meaningless. Unless someone does something to mentally, emotionally, or physically harm someone, there should not be any animosity. One person is not able to fix the issues we see, but if there was a big enough following and joining together, change is possible, and we could all live in peace!

Thank you for visiting my site today and reading this post. I know some people will not agree with a single word in this post, which is okay because these are my feelings. I will respect how you feel but expect the same in return. I would love to read your comments and will respond as quickly as I can. Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

Process of Forgiveness

Posted on February 20, 2022 by Positively Alyssa

Unfortunately, most of us have been profoundly hurt and disappointed by someone we trusted and cared about. Forgiveness can be extremely challenging because the emotions involved can be intense. Understanding that forgiveness is not for the other person, but for our peace and happiness does not make it easier. How can you forgive someone that caused you so much pain, whether they apologize or not? I have always thought the words “I am sorry”, are just empty words and even more so when the same situation happens repeatedly.

Before I continue, it is important to understand forgiveness does not mean we are excusing the other person’s behavior, or we are forgetting what occurred. We can forgive, but the mind is not able to forget the pain we felt. Forgiveness can release us from the control of the person that harmed us and offer peace to move on.

When someone we trust causes us pain, we often want retaliation and revenge. We desire to hurt that other person as deeply as we were hurt. This does not do any good for anyone involved and allows for a negative and endless cycle to continue that pain.c

The benefits of forgiveness are infinite. Letting go and releasing the anger and pain can improve our health and enable peace into our hearts and mind. Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, less anxiety and stress, fewer depression issues, a stronger immune system, and an improvement in our heart health and self-esteem.

The bigger question is, how do we forgive. This is a process that cannot be rushed. It takes time because the pain feels so raw. You first need to be able to talk through your feelings. Before we can forgive someone, we need to embrace the feelings and put them into words, so we understand them clearly and the person that caused the pain understands what the damage was done.

Finding the bright side of the painful situation will not be easy, especially at first. Once you have had space from the issue, you may be able to see what was gained from this experience. You may never find the benefit to the cruel and emotional situation, but chances are you will feel like a better person for the compassion and understanding you embraced.

The bigger hurts can take a lot to forgive. Instead of seeing every detail and every hurtful moment, try to start small and forgive the small issues first. It is natural to struggle with forgiveness, but we can become better and learn more by practicing forgiveness daily.

We must also decide if we want to forgive or not. This decision should be thought about clearly and not taken lightly. Will forgiveness strengthen the relationship, or will it destroy the relationship are just a few things to think about before you decide.

One thing I always do when I have been hurt is, I never go to bed angry. Anytime I tried to sleep when I was upset and hurt, I cannot sleep. I think we should never go to bed angry or leave the house angry because bad things happen when we least expect them.

Overall, I am decent with forgiveness. I will be honest with you, there are a few people in life that I struggle to forgive because of how awful and painful the experience was. There is one person I will never forgive because the situation went on for a long time and did immense damage to my life, but that person is no longer alive. I guess when someone is not alive, there is not a need to forgive is there? Other people in my life have done some detrimental things and I know holding onto the hurt is only doing further harm, but some things are impossible to let go of. I am working on this and know there will come a day I can forgive these people but will never forget the hurt.

Thank you for visiting my site today and reading this post about forgiveness. When you have been hurt in the past, how did you get through the pain and forgive, or did you not decide to forgive? I am looking forward to reading your thoughts on this post and will respond to all comments as quickly as I can. Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

Steps to Forgiveness

Posted on October 14, 2021 by Positively Alyssa

Forgiveness is not always the easiest thing to accomplish. You might feel as though you will never get over the pain someone else has caused with their wrongdoings. Even once the initial and immediate anger lessens, you may dwell on the betrayal you felt, instead of allowing it to fade away and become a distant bad memory.

The challenges that accompany forgiveness are in part because it is not well understood. Many think to forgive someone means you forget what took place or say the pain inflicted was not too bad and not a big deal or you can resume the relationship you once had immediately. None of this is completely true about forgiveness. It is more about letting go of your anger, hurt, and the need to seek revenge.

It is important to understand when we forgive another person for their hurtful, disappointments, deceitfulness, or any other negative act, we are not forgiving them for their benefit, but instead for ourselves. There may be a lengthy process when we decide to forgive, and this process cannot be rushed, or we will never be successful in forgiving anyone.

The first step is to uncover your anger. Unfortunately, in our society and cultures, anger is often hidden until and unless it explodes into full-blown rage. Everyone experiences anger, especially when we deal with betrayal, but many bottles those feeling up and hide them from others, and even from ourselves because we do not want to face things.

It can be scary and take a great deal of courage to be open and honest when it comes to anger. Honestly, I am the type that bottles up my anger until I explode, kind of like if you shake up a coke bottle and then open it. This is never a good situation. Although, as I have gotten older and more mature, I can decide to pick my battles and understand when things are not that important and can be let go of.

To uncover and acknowledge anger from the past and present, it may be helpful to allow your mind to remember what you have tried to forget. Think about and even journal about anger felt during childhood, school life, work, family, friends, and romantic relationships. I know the list might get long and overwhelming, but this can help your mental well-being for your future. Exposing feelings that are deep down will bring emotions to the surface and allow you to work through them.

The second step is the make the decision to forgive. When someone causes us deep emotional pain, it is in our human nature to hold onto that pain and anger as tightly as we can. No matter how much we want to let it go, it might not be the right time because we have not been able to process our emotions completely. Of course, it is not easy to remember that holding onto anger does not harm the other person as much as it does us by causing us more pain and suffering. The hurt and anger we are clenching onto produce many types of stress chemicals that will flood our bodies, causing us to feel physically and emotionally drained, and possibly cause sickness.

The third step is to work on forgiveness. An approach referred to as reframing enables you to look at the original transgression in a new way. There is a chance there were some circumstances you were not able to understand or consider at first. The best course of action is to begin simple and small. In your heart, you may not know how you will forgive the other person. On the logical part of your mind, you can open the door to the possibility that you will be able to forgive in time.

Some acts are unforgivable such as being physically or sexually abused, or if you were the victim of another type of terrible and or heinous act. I am in no way suggesting anything as bad as these acts are forgettable or forgivable or that the other person deserves a pass because that is far from the truth. However, I am saying you are worth more and that other people will face the consequences of their actions in time, even if it is not in the time frame it should be.

The final step of forgiveness is to be released from the emotional prison we have been in for days, months, or even years. You will be able to understand that you are not alone, and many others have suffered similar situations. There are support groups available for every devastating circumstance in life. It may be helpful to know you are never alone and there are others that can understand and offer advice for how to overcome your pain.

During the final step, it may be useful to see from the experiences in your life, how much you have grown and changed. All the pains and struggles in life have created who we are today and that is something we can be proud of. As we learn to forgive others for their wrongdoings, we must also learn self-forgiveness. We are not responsible for the pains inflicted on us from others, but we can choose what we will do with the lessons we have learned.

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope what I have shared with you today will help you understand more about what forgiveness means and I am sure there are other steps for everyone. What I have shared are just a few steps that I have learned over the years. Please keep in mind, only you know when you are ready to forgive another person, and no one can force you to do so before you are ready. I am looking forward to reading your comments and will respond to your comments as quickly as I possibly can. I hope you never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

Tranquil Tuesday

Posted on February 16, 2021 by Positively Alyssa

Emotions On February 16th

You may or may not remember that I did already get my first COVID vaccine and had my 2^nd one scheduled for this past Saturday. Although last week was painfully difficult and I considered rescheduling, I did not want to risk missing my chance of completing the COVID series and be a little safer with this virus. My husband went with me to complete the 2^nd COVID vaccine and after that, we went to pick up the remains of our sweet Chloe that had passed away the previous Sunday. I do not know if I would have had the strength to pick Chloe up if I did not have my husband with me, so I am glad we were able to do this together.

I will say there was a mixture of emotions with picking up Chloe’s remains, one part of me was incredibly sad and the other felt a sense of comfort to have her back home with us. I know some people that cannot understand having a cat cremated, but I prefer this to bury her. I already had mentioned in a previous post we lost another cat to cancer and had her cremated as well, so now they are both on our mantel in the living room. It has taken time, but I think we are both slowly healing from the loss of Chloe. Neither of us is ready to take in another cat, but we do know we will in time, so our other cat is not lonely. Our other cat does show signs that he misses Chloe and is acting out a little, but it is probably to get attention. Or maybe he is doing these things because he is just being a little boy! Who knows, but we are giving him a little slack right now!

If you read the post I did after I got the first COVID vaccine, you might remember that I was extremely nervous. When I did the 2^nd COVID vaccine, I was not as nervous. I did hear there was a greater chance of side effects after the 2^nd vaccine, but I did not really have any. I will admit, my arm hurt a lot for a few days and the pain did go up into my shoulder and neck, but I am used to pain. I did have a slight cough and headache, but again, I am used to things like that. Even after the two weeks or so after the 2^nd vaccine, we are supposed to be protected more, I still intend to behave like I did not get the vaccine and continue wearing a mask the rare times I leave my house. I guess I look at things like it is better to be safe than sorry!

As y’all already know, I did take a break from blogging last week. I was too emotional and heartbroken to do much of anything but did try to stay busy at work. I did not have any extra energy when I was done at work to write, look at another computer screen, and was not even able to do much with crocheting the blanket I had started for my mother and her boyfriend. I am happy to say though, I have finished their blanket and will be sending it to them this week! I have always found crocheting to be relaxing and it is not all that difficult. I am happy that I can send them an extremely late housewarming gift to use in their home! They both know that even though I have known him for a lot of my life, I took a while to warm up to my mother’s boyfriend. I think I have grown a lot over this past year and gotten to know him better and think he is a decent person. I also think they are good for one another and he has helped her overcome some demons she carried with her for too long.

In life, things can get challenging and unique situations can arise. These are just a couple of the reasons why forgiveness and acceptance are so crucial. Until we walk in another person’s shoes, we will not know what they have been through in life. I think all the trials and tribulations we experience in life will either make us or break us. Everything we encounter in our life can make us even stronger than we were yesterday, and we must take all these learning experiences as opportunities for improvement!

On another note, today would have been my Poppy’s birthday! I know I have written about this amazing man before and I explained how hard I took it when he passed away back in 2013. There has not been one day I have not thought about him or wondered if he would be proud of the woman I have become. I would like to think that there are at least parts of me that stem from him. I know he was a kind, accepting, and reasonable man. He never judged someone because of the color of their skin or who they loved. These are a few things that I am deeply passionate about because the color of someone’s skin does not matter and who they love does not either. What truly matters is the way we treat other human beings, and everyone deserves respect!

Thank you for visiting my site today! Previously, I was doing Tranquil Tuesday, and sharing a quote, but today I wanted to do something a little different. Honestly, in a sense thought of my late Poppy does give me feelings of tranquility! Today’s post was a combination of a few things to get a little caught up! As always, I look forward to reading your comments and I will respond as quickly as I can. Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, support, and MANY positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

What does our world need most??

Posted on June 23, 2020 by Positively Alyssa

12 Things Our World Needs Now!

Even though we may be oceans or miles apart, we are all still living under the same bright and beautiful sky. Unfortunately, the world we live in has been anything but peaceful for far too long. Countless numbers of people have been and continue to encounter uncertainty, increased stress, and escalated pain, an absence of hope, and inequality. Currently, our world is suffering and to have successful change we need to be united. No matter where you live, our goals are the same.

The things the world is in dire need of can be accomplished if everyone works together in unity. The great things that may happen will take time, patience, and resilience.

The following are what is urgently required for the good of this world:

1. Action-

There are numerous challenges we are facing and these challenges are not going to resolve on their own. People are constantly complaining about everything that isn’t right, but none of that is doing anything beneficial.

We need REAL action on poverty, climate changes, the mental health crisis, COVID-19, racial inequality, reckless and carelessness with the government, and much more. Without people, communities, politicians, and all nations taking action by joining together, the change that is required won’t ever take place.

2. Unity-

The challenges that have spread throughout the entire world will not be able to correct themselves unless we all JOIN TOGETHER! We do not need to live in the same state or even the same country, but we can help one another in achieving a common goal, PEACE & EQUALITY! Each and every one of us is alike concerning having a heart full of love, kindness, and acceptance. We are also uniquely different with adding our support for the greater good of the world.

3. Tolerance-

There is more division between people both within the same country and others. If we are going to successfully join together we will need to learn how to be tolerant to those we disagree with. There must be less of the terminology of us and them and more we and us. Tolerance means we need to put unnecessary loyalties aside and only have loyalty for human lives.

4. Acceptance-

Of course, we do not have to agree with everyone else all of the time. The opinion of others should be accepted with just as much validity as our own. Beneath the difference of opinions and disagreements, there is another human being that deserves respect and kindness.

5. Understanding-

As human beings, we are all a convoluted mixture of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It is common for those same humans to do things that gets on our nerves and even upsets us, but we need to try understanding the reason they may have done what they did. Unfortunately, many people go through struggles daily, but normally we are unaware of this. Especially with all that is happening in the world today it is important to try offering our understanding to others because chances are we are also experiencing our own challenging times.

6. Compassion-

There are going to be time we may see someone that is enduring a struggle. Although we might not be aware of the cause for their struggles, it is important to show our sincere, genuine, and wholehearted concerns for them. We have all heard this many times before, but a little compassion indeed goes a long way! It is amazing how helpful it can be when we offer someone who is going through struggles a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen and some comforting warm and supportive words.

7. Forgiveness-

Anyone can do things that they will regret later and whatever was done could hurt another. Honestly, forgiveness is not the easiest thing to do, especially in this day and age. When we forgive it doesn’t mean what was done is forgotten or that we are excusing someone else’s actions because that just isn’t true. When we decide to forgive someone, we are moving on and we are not harboring negative feelings towards that person.

Forgiveness is something necessary between the different cultures, nations, and generations. There is already too much anger, disagreements, and resentment that has been widespread, but this is the time the world and everyone in it needs forgiveness that spreads far and to all!

8. Kindness-

Countless people are suffering and daily more are faced with various misfortunes. Kindness is something that will surpass all faiths, ages, backgrounds, languages, and even reach beyond vast distances. It does not matter how big or small, all acts of kindness can make the world a better place in limitless ways. Bottom line is, the entire world is in an extreme need for a lot more kindness!

9. Trust-

Whether this is true or false, many people believe that everyone is out for themselves with little to no thoughts for anyone else. They also view others as being not trustworthy. Trust is the foundation in all human relationships and without it things can and will rapidly fall apart. We should be able to feel confident and comfortable putting our trust in those that are in our lives, but if we are not able to do this we might need to reevaluate who we are allowing into our lives. Trust takes time to earn and it can be lost quickly. Sadly, once trust has been lost it can take a very long time to earn back and even then can be challenging.

10. Hope-

Unfortunately, during recent times hope has gotten lost for many people. Although most people desire for things to be better, they have also lost the ability to have true hope that anything will get better than they are currently. Hope is what can invigorate the action necessary to resolve the many problems we are dealing with today. We need people to demonstrate the meaning and benefits of the power of hope through their actions. Once more people believe again and have the hope that tomorrow will bring better times; it will spread throughout our world!

11. Wisdom-

It does seem that most people have a smartphone, tablet, or they have both and have the answers needed at our fingertips anywhere we go. The thing is the knowledge we think we are gaining doesn’t necessarily translate to wisdom. What some are not aware of is there is a significant difference between wisdom and knowledge, which is mainly the quality.

12. Contentment-

While it is great many people want to continue to endeavor with achieving more, it also can turn toxic if it isn’t regulated. This does not mean regulated by stronger powers, it means to regulated the constant wanting more. Instead of always wanting more, there needs to be a time when we can look at all we do have in the present and be thankful for it. Many still don’t understand that more doesn’t mean better and need to realize what it means to simply be at peace with the life we have and all we have in our lives.

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope what was written in this post was beneficial for you and also provides thoughts of pride because you are a kind and loving person. We are all going through many hard times, which can cause stress and frustration. These are things I can completely understand and sincerely wish there was something I could do to give assurance to everyone. When life gets challenging people will either jump into help or run away from the sadness. I wish there was a warm and sunny place we could all hide from what is going on, but regrettably there isn’t. The best way we can cope is to be supportive and understanding, but also feel like you have someone who understands and will offer support!

I know it is only Tuesday, but I hope your week going well and you are feeling the best you possibly can. I know I just wrote a lot, but I do want to know what you think. I promise to respond to all comments as quickly as I can! Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love, comfort, and many positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

How to be Free of Bad Habits

Posted on May 23, 2020 by Positively Alyssa

What is meant by bad habits? Bad habits are defined as a patterned behavior that is considered to be detrimental to one’s physical and or mental health. This is typically linked to a high level of discipline and self-control. No matter who you are unfortunately we all have bad habits that we want to be free from.

Many people will end up dealing with stress and boredom with bad habits. If you can think back to a time you were faced with a stressful situation, how did you deal with those negative feelings? While many things are viewed as bad habits, I normally end up biting my nails or pick at the skin around my fingers. What would you say your bad habits are?

We all know it is not easy to break bad habits, but it is important to at least try and not give up. I do have several bad habits I would like to be free from to proceed with a healthier and fulfilling life. I have discovered several ways to eliminate bad habits and would love to get your feedback on them.

The first step is determining the core of your bad habit. Charles Duhigg, a Pulitzer-prize winning American journalist and non-fiction author, has determined three basic parts to our habits. Our habits primarily work in a cycle of these parts.

The Cue– This is the feeling, time, or location which triggers your habits, good or bad.
The Routine- This is whatever the habit itself is.
The Reward- This is the craving that the habit satisfies.

Taking the time to understand each of the components is the first step to seizing our habits. It may be beneficial to write down the cue, routine, and reward for whichever habit you decide you want to break, ask yourself:

What triggered the routine?

What is the craving the body is trying to satisfy?

Change your surroundings-

At this point we have already determined the cue or cues that are responsible for triggering our bad habits. Logically, we can understand once we manage to eliminate what cues our habits initiate, there will no longer be anything prompting the habit cycle to begin. Changing our surroundings can remove the cues causing our bad habits. One study that was done in a university, researchers found that students who transferred to a new university were far more likely to change their bad habits, than the students that did not change universities. This occurred because the students that changed universities did not have certain cues that were the cause of their bad habits.

Focus on one bad habit at a time-

Many of us have more than one bad habit we would like to eliminate. Trying to tackle too many habits at a time will on decrease our abilities for successful outcomes. To successfully eliminate our bad habits, it is crucial to focus all of our attention on just one habit before we try handling another one.

View your goal as a positive-

Another key element of habits is the routine, which is the behavior that is triggered by the cue. In other words, it is the habit you want to eliminate. Typically, when we set goals for ourselves we are not putting them in a positive frame of mind, but instead they are in a negative mindset. Our brain’s habit system responds better to positive goals. For instance, instead of your goal being “I will stop eating junk food” try “I am going to eat healthier”.

Psychologists have suggested that pursuing negative goals is linked with feelings of inadequacy and decreased self-esteem, which can discourage us from taking action. People tend to find it easier to become motivated by positive goals, which increase the opportunity for successfully achieving our goals.

Replace the bad with the good you love-

Quitting a habit altogether seldom work out the way we intended. Once a habit is formed, it becomes an instinct for us to follow through with the routine because our brains are wired to see the cue and desired reward. Instead of completely eliminating habits, keep the old cue and reward, but start a new routine.

***In a future post I will go through a few bad habits and how to eliminate them***

Forgive yourself if you relapse-

It is not easy to break bad habits and there is always a possibility you will go back to your old ways several times before achieving your ultimate goal. You have probably heard old habit die hard, well that couldn’t be any truer! It is important to allow yourself the chance to try again and not be angry about any setbacks. You will have a far better chance at achieving your goals if you do not deter yourself with negative and disappointing thoughts.

Keep your goals to yourself-

We might think that sharing our goals with others would be encouraging, but this actually lowers our chances of success. Once we tell people about the goals we have set for ourselves, they will view us a little different and this could falsely assure the mind that the identity goal is partially complete and you might not put the effort in that is needed reach your goal.

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope your weekend has started off great and you are feeling the best you can. I am excited to read your feedback on this post and anything you have tried to free yourself of bad habits, I promise to respond as quickly as I can. Please never forget that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love , comfort, and many positive vibes!

Always, Alyssa

What is the meaning of forgiveness?

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Positively Alyssa

What does forgiveness mean to you? According to psychologists, whether forgiveness is deserved or not, it is a conscious and deliberate decision to release the feelings of resentment or vengeance towards the individual who caused the harm. Now, forgiveness does not mean forgetting what has occurred that you are excusing the wrongful and indecorous acts.

Forgiveness is not an easy task, especially if there was an intense amount of hurt and loss of trust involved. There are some acts that take hours, days, months, years, or even a lifetime to forgive. Coming to terms with what happened to cause your hurt can be very complicated, but taking the proper steps can provide both emotional and physical benefits.

Forgiveness is so complicated that psychologists have broken it down into two parts.

Part One is referred to as decisional forgiveness. This part means to make the decision to forgive and not seek out retribution or retaliation. This is typically the easier aspect of forgiveness because it is the type of person we are. It is understood that someone has done us wrong, but our morals remind us that causing them harm will not solve any issue and will cause additional problems.

Part Two is known as emotional forgiveness. This is the second part of forgiveness and tends to take longer than decisional forgiveness. During this part of forgiveness, there is a release of the negative emotions we are feeling towards the person that was part of the wrongdoings.

Forgiveness is often considered to be fulfilled when there are not any negative emotions lingering and our feelings are neutral. It has been suggested that forgiveness occurs when the feelings you once felt for the wrongdoer are able to return. Emotional forgiveness entails us to abolish any unforgiving feelings.

Many people seem to get confused about what forgiveness is and isn’t. The following items are examples of what forgiveness isn’t.

Forgetting- Even though we may have come to terms with what caused our hurt, it doesn’t mean we have forgotten what took place. Remembering the wrongdoing can be beneficial for us so we do not fall into the same negative trap again.
Condoning- You do not have to view the wrongdoing as acceptable or allow the person that did wrong to behave in the same manner again.
Denying or minimizing- Emotionally you may have moved on from the hurtful situation, but this doesn’t mean the severity of hurt inflicted should be denied.
Pardoning- Even if we have forgiven the person that hurt us, it doesn’t mean justice can’t be served. You may need your local law enforcement to get involved if the situation requires them.
Reconciliation- Forgiveness could involve mending a damaged relationship. However, just because we have forgiven someone, it doesn’t mean the person that caused the hurt should remain in our life.
Repression- When you are hurt by someone, this is a valid feeling. Just because we have forgiven someone, doesn’t mean we should push our feelings into our unconscious mind.

Forgiveness does offer many health benefits as it can effectively combat the physical and emotional effects of the wrongdoing. Other benefits include positive effects on anger, anxiety, grief, post-traumatic stress, depression, blood pressure, and even lower back pain.

There have been several models developed to help make forgiveness a little easier.

Robert D. Enright, Ph.D. a processor, at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a pioneer in the scientific research of forgiveness created The Enright Forgiveness Model. Dr. Enright broke forgiveness into four phases, which are as followed:

Uncovering phase-

This phase consists of four questions to answer before forgiveness can take place.

Who has hurt you and who are they to you?
What was done to cause your hurt? What took place, was said, and the circumstance encircling the act
What was the outcome or the act? What ways were you impacted?
How did the act affect your mental and emotional well-being?

This phase allows you to uncover as much as you can about what took place. Addressing the issues will cause emotional distress.

Decision Phase-

This is a decision you will make to direct your life in a positive direction. This relates to decisional forgiveness and requires you to let go of any feelings of retaliation.

Work Phase-

You may need to change your views of the person that wronged you. This could require you to look past the way this person has hurt you and view their background for answers regarding their behavior. Once you can view this person in a different way, you may realize the actions were due to their childhood or other aspects of their past and be able to empathize with them. Nothing you have discovered requires reconciliation, but you might be able to start taking small steps to rebuild the relationship if that’s what you want.

Deepening Phase-

This is the final step in understanding that forgiveness provides an emotional release. You can acknowledge that the negative emotions felt are because of the wrongdoing has eased up and it is time to forgive the wrongdoer.

You know that our growth tends to come during the most difficult times in our life. You may even begin looking at your own life and actions made differently and see that you may need to seek forgiveness from another person.

This was a short and simple overview of Dr. Enright’s process. If you have further interest, there is a book available on Amazon that I am including a link for. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1557987572/ref=as_li_qf_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=aconret-20&creative=9325&linkCode=as2&creativeASIN=1557987572&linkId=1bcd69054c6ba8b9b4855006995193ad

A semi-retired professor at Virginia Commonwealth University, Everett Worthington Jr. Ph.D. created a different model called Worthington REACH Forgiveness Model. REACH is an acronym, each letter representing a stage in the model.

R- Recall- This is the first step, where you need to look back at the event that caused your hurt. It might be difficult, but keep things as objective as you can. Only stick to the facts and words that were spoken. Remember the person that wronged you is not a bad person, they are simply human. You are not a victim, but you are just another humanbeing. The wrongdoing you experienced is no more than a series of actions taken.

E- Empathize- This will be challenging, but we need to try putting ourselves in the other person’s shoes. If we asked this person, what would be a possible reason they behaved as they did? Did they have motives? Were there circumstances involved and how did they contribute to the hurtful event?

Are you able to see any reason you can feel sympathy for the wrongdoer?

A- Altruistic Gift– We will be viewing forgiveness as a gift to the wrongdoer in this model. This is a gift coming from a purely unselfish point. This is not an easy step, but it is an important step.

Think back to a time you may have hurt someone else causing that person to have a challenging time, but this person forgave you. How did this make you feel? Were you relieved you were forgiven?

Now, recall a time when you previously forgave someone? How did this make you feel? Completely understanding that forgiving in the past offered you comfort and peace; would you consider this to be a gift?

C- Commit- When you finally reach the point you are ready to forgive the wrongdoer, you must be sure you fully commit to this.

How are you going to move forward with forgiving? Write a letter or email; call the person or any other means you see fit. Whatever you decide to do, remind yourself you are fully committed to forgiving and act on it!

H- Hold onto forgiveness- In the previous stage, we were committing to forgiving in a way that we would not change our minds. Remember, forgiving is completely up to you and you hold the power to choose what emotions you allow to control your mind. The memories of the situation will always be there. Just remember, you are not taking the forgiveness away, just know and remember the way you felt, so you will hopefully not feel it again.

Anything can be forgiven; just some acts may take longer to get through. When we forgive someone nothing will happen overnight, so remember to take the time you need to be ready to forgive!

Thank you for visiting my site today. I hope this information was beneficial to you. Sometimes forgiveness might seem impossible, but with the right amount of time and understanding, you will get there. I would love to read your thoughts on forgiveness. We have all been in a position we had to make a choice to forgive someone or not. I do think forgiveness is more to help our emotional state of mind, than the other person, but what do you think?