Looking back over last year

never look backDeciding to read back over the posts that I made over this past year has been a little scary, upsetting and satisfying all at the same time, if that makes any kind of sense. This past year really has been pretty darn hellacious and that is putting it mildly! There seems to have been so many ups that gave me hope, but then the falls that followed were just that much more discouraging. Getting back up after a failed attempt at something may seem like a daunting task, but it is also a necessity in life. Allowing for anything to keep us down for long is just not an option in my mind because if we stay down, we are only allowing for what brought us down to win the ever so long battle.

I think that in the past, I have had a faithful dedication to believing blindly in hope. I was naïve to think that hope could change everything and still do believe that to a lesser extent. Honestly I think one of the reasons for me losing hope is because of just how Hope-1-100Pedalshorrible the world has become in a very short amount of time. The negativity and pure hatred that has been bred by those leading the country has been incredibly upsetting and terribly shocking! Living in a country that was once known for its freedom and justice for all, has made a drastic change at becoming the polar opposite and that is quite frightening to me. The downward spiral happened so painful fast and building the beliefs we all once stood for back up seem almost impossible. I feel this country started to become much more equal for everyone once upon a time, but now it seems like everyone is against everyone else for no real apparent reason besides becoming way too passive and folding! How can you change the thoughts of others that are just stand upsimply following what the leaders are doing?

I think in a world so full of chaos it takes kind-hearted❤ and loving people to stand up for what they still truly believe in their hearts! Is that difficult? Possibly yes, but it is for the shear fear of ridicule and not be accepted by our peers. But, really who wants to be accepted by those that have so much hate in their hearts? I honestly do not have any desires to be accepted into that world. I would much rather stand-alone if it means I am not giving up the beliefs I hold dear in my heart and soul!

So when I said that I have started to lose faith in hope, it is because hope sometimes feels like a foreign object that many others lost a long time ago. Hope is a like fragile piece of don't lose hopeglass that if it is pushed around too forcibly can and will break under the pressure that is forced on it. I like to believe that the strength I have deep in my heart and soul is powerful enough to defeat the constant negativity I have been faced with daily! I am only one person with a strong voice when pushed into a corner, but I will always stay true to my beliefs and passions!

I know I started this off by talking about looking back over the past year and kind of got off on a different tangent. What I can say is this past year has helped me grow stronger happiest momentsas a person. Last year was the start of a pretty nasty relapse that is still in the healing process. I do not know if all the pain I have been struggling with is ever going to subside, but I do plan to keep the fight moving forward and not allow it to defeat me or threaten my courage. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change what happened in the past leading up to the relapse, but I can decide how I am going to handle it from this point on. I do not truly think I can go back to where I was or who I was last year at this time, but that person I was is still in me somewhere just a little more rattled by the torture of MS. No matter how beat down I might feel at times, I am still just me!

I hope y’all have had a nice and restful weekend. After the hellish week I had, I have done my best to recuperate so I can tolerant the week ahead of me. Do I plan to push myself to the limits again? Probably not as forceful, but I will still test my limits because that is what living is all about. Thank y’all for visiting my site today and every other day. Y’all always leave me with the best comments and I do treasure what you have to say! I hope y’all are able to enjoy your Sunday and prepare yourself for the start of a new week, leaving behind anything that happened last week! As always I am sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

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Physical & Emotional Pains team up!

great afternoonGood afternoon y’all! I hope you have had an amazing weekend and you are feeling the best you possibly can. I hope wherever you live the weather has been treating you well and there has not too much extreme with the temperatures. I know where I live there have been many extremes and it has been absolutely insanely HOT!

Physical and emotional pains tend to all blend together over time. I think at times it is almost hard to distinguish the difference between the two, especially if they are both overly intense. We all go through times during our lives when we struggle with certain aspects of life and there is no denying that is emotionally painful. Some people when struggling with emotional pain hold it inside because maybe they do not want to burden anyoneno-pain-no-gain-by-ms-anu-mehta-39-638 else with what they are battling internally. I can speak from personal experience that when I am dealing with something that is deeply emotional to me, I do not want to talk to anyone about the issues. I will let most things fester in my own mind, which honestly only causes SO much additional stress. I think that for people who really know me, I am not able to hide when I am terribly disturbed about something because it is clearly all over my face and my demeanor changes drastically. I would make the absolute WORST poker player because I do not do well masking what I feel. The bad part about holding all the emotional struggles inside is, I feel like I am going to explode after a while! Have you ever shaken a bottle of coke vigorously? When you finally open that bottle, the coke will explode all over the place because of all the pressure it felt while being Pain-Changes-Peopleshaken. It is not a good feeling to say the least!

Most of us experience physical pain over the course of our lives. There are so many times when that pain may become so intense that it really changes your personality. For the most part I am a happy and positive person, but when my pain becomes too severe it overpowers me and I become reserved and a little negative. I find that I will fly off the handle over the smallest of things and really overreact. Sometimes the pain makes me say things I do not mean and even feel hostility towards something so minuscule that when I think back all I can say is “What was wrong with me?”

Emotional pain can and does trigger even more of the physical pain! I often feel that they are teaming up together just to test my strength and see which one of them will break me first. During times of war between the various pains I deal with, I do my best to hold onto my determination to excel in this life! I think there are many people pain demands to be feltthat when they are faced with too much trauma and or struggles, they tend to just shut down because it is easier that way. I almost think that shutting down makes it so you just can not feel the difficulties of life and also may not care anymore. In my own personal opinion, shutting down completely is the same as giving up and allowing the internal and physical battles win the war. Call me delusional or just completely wrong, but I do feel the only way we can ever fail ourselves and our loved ones is to give up the fight we were chosen to be in.

Thank you so much for stopping by my site today! I always encourage your comments because they are always so fantastic! Please know that I will respond as quickly as I possibly can! I hope your weekend has been filled with nothing but happiness and I hope you are ready for the new week to start tomorrow! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday to the fullest! As always  I am sending y’all LOTS of love ❤and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

Bad night turns to a bad day!

stressOverwhelming stress will only cause literally nothing but a terrible amount of pain! For reasons I can completely acknowledge, I was in so much pain last night and could not turn my brain off long enough to get any sleep. I would just lay in bed worrying about every little thing in life and then look over at the clock and just think, “Well if I fall asleep now, I will get 4 hours asleep”. Then an hour later still be awake and see the time and once again think to myself, “ If I could just fall asleep now, I will get 3 hours of sleep.” This went on all night and in turn I was not able to go to work today. Truthfully I am really disappointed in myself because I had been doing so well this week working six and a half hours, so to turn around and miss an entire day is just discouraging! I did think about just trying to push myself to go into work on ZERO hours of sleep, but I also knew that would not do my health any good and getting that run down would cause my health to deteriorate even more.

I can not say and be 100% sure if my increased amount of pain is due to the crazy stress 1weather or to the unrelenting stress life continues to throw at me! I never was good at dodge ball, so the stress just keeps hitting me hard! I often wonder if I am causing the stress I feel to take control of my life and I am actually the one that is responsible for making it worse. I know that allowing stress to bombard my thoughts is NOT any good for my friend “MS”, but I also do not seem to have the strength to avoid it and let it just roll of my back. It never fails, instead of when I am faced with anything I know will be stressful, I am not able to just fight to find something a little more peaceful to focus on, but I focus completely on what is causing my stressful thoughts! I can give advice all day long to others on how to handle stressful times, but I NEVER take my own advice!

Now that I am home for the day to allow my terribly achy and fatigued body to rest, all I can do is be hard on myself for breaking the success I did make by working more hours Monday-Thursday! How is it possible that I had such a successful week and now I am in so much pain it hurts to move? Did I push myself too hard in the beginning of the week by trying my hardest to work more hours because of how busy it is right now? I do not feel like I i will breatham capable of not being hard on myself because just last year I was working many more hours and I was fine! Why since October am I not able to do more like I use to be able to? Is it possible that I am now just allowing the MS to win the battle and control my life? That is not me and is just not the way I ever planned for my life to be. I had always planned to control this illness as much as I could, but seem to be failing miserably at that lately! I guess the truth is control is really just an illusion and what is going to happen, it just going to happen! We are not able to control things that are really uncontrollable, in all reality we are only able to control how we handle the difficult times in life.

In all honesty, the only thing I can do right now is rest in order to get better before the new week starts again. I will not give up on the progress I was making earlier this week, I will try again next week and just hope for a better outcome! I really need to learn how to handle my stress levels A LOT better than I have been because really all I am doing by allowing the stress to consume me is destroying my own body and my health! I can dont-lose-hope-everything-happens-for-a-reason-you-never-6877637promise myself all day long that I will make the necessary changes, but I do not know how to. Writing is definitely a great way for me to get my thoughts out which does help some, but I need to find even more ways to cut the stress out completely and for good! Do y’all have any suggestions on how to do this?

I hope y’all had a pleasant Friday the 13th and I hope you are looking forward to your weekend! I do really appreciate you stopping by my site today and look forward to reading your fantastic comments, which I promise I will respond to as quickly as  I possibly can! Please remember that no matter what I may be dealing with in life, I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

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❤Always, Alyssa❤

When bad days seem to outweigh the good days

bad days and good daysWe all have our good days when we feel border line normal, which is absolutely fantastic and treasured! Then we also have those bad days when we feel anything but normal and maybe even disconsolate. So what do you do when it seems as though the bad days are taking over those precious good days? I guess there is no use crying over spilled milk and we just continue our journey of life the best was can.

Y’all already know that I am typically a very optimistic and positive person, but then you also know how much pain can influence our attitudes. Pain and muscle spasms have funny-pain.jpgbeen making me absolutely and totally miserable, but I was still attempting to fight through how I was feeling because I do not want to allow my illness to win our war. Last night was the tip of the ice burg for me. Between my back hurting fiercely and from my knees to my tip toes achy and burning viciously, I could not get comfortable AT ALL. All I was trying to do was go to sleep so I could go into work today, but it was absolutely impossible! The combination of bad painfrustration, pain and being over tired I lashed out and was being very difficult towards my poor❤ husband, who was only trying to help me. Finally at about 2 am, even after my hateful attitude my sweet 💕husband helped surround my feet with ice packs to ease the horrible burning sensation I was experiencing. Given my miserable night, I ended up missing work today to try to rest and with the help of my husband hopefully start to feel a little more “normal” or as normal as I can be!

I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day and I will not be suffering in this much pain! I obviously do not like hurting, but I really hate when my attitude changes and I am just mean or at least I think I am mean. I am truly thankful for how understanding, supportive and ❤loving my husband is. We understand each other as we both live our lives with pain. I promise I am normally a lot more kind and helpful towards him, but last night was just a horrible night and thankfully he has forgiven my terrible attitude! Normally I do not do more than one post a day, but with being at home in excruciating pain it is helpful to let out those feelings knowing that y’all understand fully!

I appreciate you visiting my site today and really look forward to reading your amazing comments. I hope y’all had a great day today and I hope you are feeling well. As always, I am sending y’all LOTS of love and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

Happy Friday!

GoodmorningwishesonFridaypictures3-compressedGood morning Y’all! I hope you had a wonderful week and you are looking forward to a beautiful weekend! It is amazing how fast the weather has changed from being pretty chilly, to sunshine and warmth! I am so thankful for the natural vitamin D the sunshine has to offer us all, I just hope y’all get to enjoy this as well!

I try to not make too many plans over the weekend and just use weekends as restful time. We spend the entire week dedicated to our jobs and often neglect ourselves, so the two days we get for the weekend should be spent doing what makes us happy❤! I also avoid making plans for the weekend because I never know how I am going to be feeling so instead of disappointing others, it is just best to play things by ear! If myself and my husband are both feeling well we can set up something that we want to do, but if one or both of us is not feeling our best we do not have to do anything at all! It works for us and most people do understand this! 

I made a decision today that I am going to try my best to increase the hours I work each failure not an optionday from 6 to 7 hours starting Monday. I am hopeful that I will be successful with this goal, but if for some reason I am not I will not be too hard on myself and just keep trying. I think it is extremely important to set goals and try your hardest to achieve those goals, but also not beat yourself up if it does not work out on the first try! Not achieving goals you set is not failure, giving up is the only way to really fail yourself! 

I hope y’all wake up and feel great today so you can enjoy your Friday! Maybe feeling well on Friday will pave the path for a fabulous weekend! I certainly hope y’all are feeling great today and I hope you have a wonderful day! Remember to be easy on yourself and take care of your needs everything else will just fall into place! I always appreciate you visiting my site and value your comments which I will always respond to as quickly as I can! Never forget that I am always sending y’all lots of love and comfort!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa❤

First time for Everything!

be-thankful-to-your-bad-days_516Today was my appointment with my MS Specialist and it went very well! The Nurse Practitioner I saw actually took the time to listen to my concerns and did not dismiss any of my fears. To be perfectly honest, I went into this appointment with low expectations to protect myself from disappointment and frustration. I am so happy to say that even though this appointment lasted a longtime; I left the doctor’s office feeling much better about the issues I have been struggling with. The NP took time to actually talk to me about the headaches I have had for so long and come up with ideas to hopefully eliminate them. We talked about the pain issues that have increased over the past few months and she had some very valid thoughts about why that was happening. She helped relieve the stress I was putting on myself about my illness progressing by reassuring me I am doing everything I can and feels that I am controlling it the best I can. She told me to not over think what could happen and just live in the moment. I thought that was great advice because I do tend to think everything and go to worse case scenarios all the time, which really is not helpful to me or my mental state. Moving forward I am going to stay on the Gilenya because it is the best choice for me and did control my illness for 6 years before I decided to try something new. I was thinking the Gilenya was causing my headaches, but the NP today pointed out that I had headaches way before Gilenya was a factor.  My appointment today was by far the best and most enlightening appointment I expectationshave had in a long time and gave me a new perspective on things!

As I already said, I went into my appointment today with very low expectation, which was helpful overall! I have found over the years if you set your expectations for others too high there will always be a high probability of disappointment. Therefore, if you just keep your expectations lower you will never be disappointed because you are not presuming anything! This may seem like a pessimistic way to live, but it saves a lot of heartache and frustration. In our hearts we know who we can count on in life and who we question counting on. Others must prove to us that we can rely on them and live up to the standards we have. I do believe we all need at least one person that we can truly count on and that person will never let us down. There is always at least one person you confide in and know they will always be there to support you, no matter what! Trust is a very delicate thing that can be destroyed quickly and take a very long time to rebuild, if it is even possible.

Of course I am delighted my appointment went as well as it did today, but now I am hoping the appointment I have next Thursday will go just as well. I will go into the 2-quote-about-no-matter-how-impossible-unattainable-or-unim-image-background-imageappointment next week just as prepared as I was today, but also go in with no expectations at all. I believe that being prepared and having notes with you can be extremely beneficial because it is easy to forget important details. I think being in the exam room can be a little stressful which makes it easy to lose track of what you want to discuss. Doctors have busy schedules and have a limited amount of time allotted to each patient. So I found having set topics you need to talk about ready will make the appointment much more useful to you and not waste any time! I know that if I did not prepare last night for this appointment and have my topics written down, I would have missed a lot of important information. 

I hope y’all had a great Friday Eve and I hope y’all are feeling well! I really appreciate you taking the time to visit my site today and I look forward to reading your comments! All of your comments are very meaningful to me and I will respond as quickly as I can. I hope y’all have a lovely evening!! I am always sending each of you lots of love and comfort! 

Love 2

Always, Alyssa

Where is Spring?

where-is-springOn March 20th, we should have been graced with spring weather, but it seems Mother Nature had a difference of opinion! The first day of spring was rather warm, but then the days that followed were very chilly and some even had snow! Spring time snow just does not seem right to me, but I guess we will never understand how nature works. Spring is “supposed” to bring on the blooming of the trees and blossoming of the flowers adding so much beauty to the world! New life is given to nature and new beginnings are created all around us. The amazing and various colors of flowers give an incredibly artistic sight for us to see. Even the trees, which most think are just green, have a variety of different greens brightening up our surroundings! Of course the days delay the darkness of night by having a few hours longer of daylight and sunshine!

The days ahead are finally showing some signs of spring like weather. I really do hope that spring will stick around a while before we are bombarded with the summer heat! Summer is great for going to the beach, but when you live hours from the beach it is not always so fantastic! When it is 100 degrees out with high humidity, you literally can not walk from an air conditioned building to your car without being drenched in sweat! With the way Mother Nature has been acting, it is hard to say what summer is going to be like. There were a few days in February when the temperatures were in the upper spring_flowers_2015_longwood_cr_LongwoodGardensLAlbee70’s, which is highly abnormal! I do not think it is healthy for temperatures to go from nearly 80 degrees to the next day being in the upper 40’s that is too drastic of a change.

How is your spring going so far? Are y’all having spring like weather or are you experiencing the tail end of winter still? I know I have said this before, but my body does not respond well to dramatic weather changes. I definitely do not handle chilly rainy days well at all. Do you feel like cold rainy days worsen how you feel? But in all honesty, we can not control the weather and just need to do what we can to keep living! Never allowing an illness that is strongly affected by weather is hard, but we are all so much stronger than that!

I recently did a post about pain management doctors and how I feel about them. I do understand there is a huge issue right now with people abusing pain medications and doctors do not seem to have the man power to know which of their patients are not just after some type of high, but actually just want to live a normal life without pain. I feel like there is a lot of judging going on right now with people who live in pain and go to pain management. These patients should not be labeled as an addict or anything else that is humble-and-kinddemeaning. No one in their right mind wants to go to the doctor for anything, but they surely do not want to sit in a doctor’s office while they are in pain and wait to be seen. These people would much rather be at home where they are comfortable. So those that go through the struggles of getting to the doctor’s office and wait are suffering and in need of relief. I do not want it to sound like I am placing all the blame for the opioid crisis on the doctors and government, but they both have a lot to do with the issues at hand. I will never think that those that have a legitimate reason for going to pain management because of an accident or illness should be punished further. It does not seem fair to add more pain and suffering to those already under much stress from the pains they go through every day! 

I always appreciate you stopping by my site and I love reading your comments, which I will respond to as quickly as I can. We are all entitled to our own opinions and they all matter! I hope your weekend is going well and you are able to enjoy every moment of it! Sending y’all lots of love and comfort!

Love 2

Always, Alyssa