Never a straight answer!

Relaxing QuotesGood afternoon y’all! I hope you have had a wonderful day! Look on the bright side, we have made it through two days and only have three to go!

So, y’all already know that I had the brain MRI on Friday evening, but of course I am not able to get the results until Thursday afternoon when I see the Nurse Practitioner! Typically I have always been able to read the radiologists reports online, but for some UNKNOWN reason the results are blocked to my viewing! Thankfully I do honestly prefer to see the NP rather than seeing the doctor because the doctor left a really bad taste in my mouth after her reaction to the MRI I had last October. I still find her reaction very unprofessional and disturbing, but what’s done is done and there is no correcting that experience! In front of my husband she actually told us it was the WORST MRI she had ever seen! I mean I think I reacted just as anyone else would as this was a very rude and hurtful way to share the results. Unfortunately in front of her I did cry, but then got extremely angry! Her reaction made me feel absolutely terrible, like I was going downhill fast and my illness was just progressing rapidly!Waiting torture

On Monday when I was not able to view the radiologists report, I contacted my doctor’s office. Monday afternoon the nurse responded back to my email by saying it did not look like my MRI had changed much since the one I had in October. That should have been good news and good enough, right? But being the person I am that wants more answers, I simply asked if this was indicating that considering I was still feeling the same way and the MRI apparently had not changed all that much since October, does this mean that I am just going to feel this way for the rest of my life? I think that was a very valid question, don’t you? Today this same nurse went from saying the MRI did not show much change to saying the doctor weighed in and he was not able to share any information with me as I need to wait to see the NP. How does something change so much overnight? I just do not understand why he suddenly is unable to share anything else with me. The way my mind works is I am thinking something a little more has changed and the NP needs to discuss this with me so I am clear on the situation at hand! Do you think I am overreacting?

waiting for answersI can be semi-logical sometimes because I do know there is nothing I can do to change what my MRI has found, but yet I still can not get my mind to slow down! Last night being SO stressed about this, I was able to contact a fellow blogger on Facebook. I thank Alex so much as she really did make me feel so much better, but now today I am back to being stressed to the MAX! Thanks to the blogging community and people as wonderful as Alex I know I have support and encouragement when I need it most! If you have not already visited Alex’s site, I am going to strongly recommend it. Alex offers so much support, love, compassion, and understanding, which I do think you will find as well once you visit her amazing site https://mswithmsalex.com/. Sending you so much LOVE ❤and thanks Alex!

Thank y’all for stopping by my site today and I do really look forward to your comments. Your comments always mean so much to me and really add some fantastic insights that I probably have not been able to see. I hope you have a nice and relaxing evening. Please always remember that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love ❤and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

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Somewhere between lonely

lonelinessThere are times during our lifetime we may feel extremely lonely because we think that no one really understands what we are fighting against. There might be some situations that we just do not want to talk about anything because it is too painful to relive. Has there ever been a time when you were in a room full of other people, but yet you still felt so lonely? I often wonder if it is normal to feel lonely when I am actually not really alone. It even sounds silly when I read what I just wrote, but it is the way I feel sometimes, especially lately. I think there are times that I get so lost in my own thoughts, which honestly are normally unhealthy stress points, but I do not have a desire to talk at all because it is way too frustrating. In fact during those lost moments, I just want to sit in complete silence as I try to wrap my mind around all the turmoil of life! Whether it was supposed to be or not, life is a challenge that just keeps going without giving us a break to recuperate from what we have already dealt with.

I do believe that sometimes life can become SO overwhelmingly stressful and it feels likeoverwhelmed there is just no way out of those moments. Why is it the great and delightful moments in life go by so incredibly fast, but the difficult times seem to drag on FOREVER!? I remember my wedding day that was almost 7 years ago, it was one of the happiest days of my life and it went by in the blink of an eye. Then the day the doctor told me I had MS, which was 18 years ago seemed to have lasted forever! I can still see and feel myself in the room with my old doctor and listening to him say, “Alyssa, you have Multiple Sclerosis”, but all the words after that are a blur. It seems as though the bad times in our lifetime taint our views on life in general and it just leaves a permanent scar that never truly heals.

Do you ever want to become a recluse, just to escape all the craziness of the world we live in? Living in solitude can become depressing and therefore is not healthy at all! On aristotle1the flip side of that, living in a world that has so much negativity is not healthy either! It is a catch 22 with how to proceed. I have tried to convince myself that one smile can go along way and if everyone could just adopt that concept there would be a lot more happiness surrounding all of us. Even though I might be feeling a little down right now, I do still believe smiles go so much further than anyone realizes.

Of course right now I am drowning in my thoughts about what the MRI results are going to be. Then I have a moment of clarity and know that there is absolutely nothing at all I can do to change what my results will tell me on Thursday. So why in the world am I unable to let these negative thoughts go? I think that is the million dollar question that might never be answered!

Y’all know me by now and know that I pride myself on thinking more on the positive051aa4b37f544a9783141575bb01c1dd61b51b-wm.jpg side of things. This is just a phase of negativity that will clear up as it always does. Things could be worse than they are, but my poor mind has been SO overwhelmed with stress. It honestly feels like I have been engulfed in way too many decisions and changes that need to be made that it is hard to breath sometimes. I try to handle one moment at a time, but then more thoughts pop up in my mind making it go into a tail spin!

Thank you for reading my random thoughts of the day or I guess I should say of my weekend. I am terribly sorry for all the negative thoughts, but I will say writing my feelings out helps so much! Tomorrow is another day and things will hopefully be much brighter. The countdown is on for when I get to hear my MRI results, good or bad I will handle them with grace and dignity. I will not go into the appointment with all my negative thoughts, but I will be calm and ready for anything. I hope y’all enjoy the rest of what is left of the weekend! As always, please remember that no matter what I might be going through, I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

What are the struggles & benefits of living with a chronic illness?

Struggles and benefitsThe struggles of living with any chronic illness are numerous and endless. So many chronic illnesses come with various issues that might be difficult to treat, which can and does lead to SO much frustration. Through many visits to several different doctors, we are caught up in SO much medical debt, because the United States does not offer free healthcare like ALL other developed countries offer! For instance, I am required to see my MS Specialist to try slowing the progression of my illness down, but have to see another specialist to treat the pain issues! It does not make any sense to me because the pain is a direct result of the MS, so why it is my MS specialist can not treat the pain as well? Oh that’s right, because there is an opioid epidemic so anything related to pain needs to be monitored by a painchronic-pain-chain-diagram specialist who only sees me for 3-5 minutes every 2 months! Do you really think the pain doctor actually specialized in pain or they just could not hack it with being a real doctor? That might sound a little cruel as I am sure this “pain specialist” passed medical school, but seriously there are no medical schools out there that really specialize in pain!

Another struggle those of us that are living with a chronic illness faces is dealing with the dreaded insurance companies! We all know these insurance companies only see $$ dollar signs when they see our information come through! They know our medications cost a small fortune, so therefore we pad their paychecks with the many medications we are required to take. I know that my Gilenya alone without assistance would cost around $1500 a month and that is with insurance! Who can afford that on the wages we make? That’s right NO ONE can and quotes-to-inspire-people-with-chronic-illness-RM-alt-722x406therefore our conditions would worsen drastically over time! Do the insurance companies care? NOT AT ALL! I do believe that the insurance companies and government work together so they can be very well off in life without any regard for human life! Now with the talk among the government, some of us many worry that we will lose our expensive insurance in the near future. I do sincerely hope that I am wrong about this though, but that is honestly what I think is on the agenda!

Some of us may worry about the struggles of working a full-time job, as many of us probably can not afford to work part-time hours! Even if we are able to work a schedule with reduced hours this can not only be a financial burden, but also causes nonsenseYou-Dont-Look-Sick-722x406 judgments from co-workers! The comments that are made can be extremely frustrating and offensive, but we are doing all we can in life! I know that all of us would prefer to be able to tolerate full-time work, but when we are not able to we are doing the best we can and should not be looked down on! As you can probably tell I have heard the comments made about working ONLY 6 hour days, but I am pushing myself to do this!

Another struggle some of us may face is fun times with parking! Some of us may have handicap parking, which should be making our lives easier! However, some may look perfectly normal to the naked eye. We may suffer from something know as an “Invisible Illness”, which of course we feel but NO ONE sees our struggles! They may make butterflies-cant-see-their-wingsignorant comments about someone who looks completely normal parking in a handicap parking space. Rude comments have been made towards me and it did hurt my feeling terribly! But it has now been a few years since I was given the handicap parking, so I have had many experiences that I want to forget ever happened. Now days I do not allow negative comments to get to me as much and just feel sorry for the people making the ignorant comments and even worse for their children to grow up in that horrible environment because they may end up just as ignorant!

Fatigue and migraines are somethings I know many of us deal with almost daily! Both of these can be relatively difficult, but we handle them the best we can! Now I do not get migraines daily, but I get them enough to understand how hard they are to cope with.Background concept wordcloud illustration of fatigue Fatigue on the other hand I struggle with daily! I normally begin feeling much fatigue around 1:00 every day which is why I get into work earlier. For some reason, I feel much better earlier in the day and worse as the day progresses. It does not matter what time I wake up, always around 1:00 I feel like I need a nap!

OH WOW I almost forgot, I did say there were benefits to living with a chronic illness! The benefits are often very difficult to find, but they are there somewhere deep down. When living with an illness has NO cure it can make us more sympathetic, empathetic, and compassionate to what others might be dealing with at any moment in life. It may falling down is how we groweven give us the opportunity to meet others that understand our struggles and also offer support to others living with something similar! It may take work, but we are able to build strong networks with many others that can be very beneficial to all that is involved. Through the blogging community, I have been able to build powerful and valuable connections with SO many very incredible people who I have come to care so much for! I am truly thankful for all of my blogging friends and feel we might not have met if it were not for the chronic illness!

I sincerely appreciate you visiting my site today and always encourage your comments as they are fantastic! I hope y’all have a lovely day and you are feeling the best you can! Please remember that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

Very Special Man!

PoppyWhen I was younger there was always ONE voice that could make ANY situation better with just a few simple words. There was that ONE person who I held so dear to my heart❤ that could find the positive side in anything and everything in life. I had that ONE person that made everything better with his wise and very loving words. I admired this man more than words could ever even begin to describe because he knew ONLY love❤ and showed it with all he did in his life. My beloved Grandfather, who I actually called ❤Poppy, was literally the most amazing, admirable and loving people in this entire world! He touched the lives of so many with his kind and loving heart! 

Way back 18 years ago when I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis terrified and extremely sad, I called my Poppy in tears.  He calmly listened through my tears and offered his never-ending support, love❤ and great advice. The words he spoke has stuck with me through the years as he said, “Alyssa, you are strong and can handle anything this illness may inflict on you. But always remember no matter what struggles you may endure, someone else is always going through something worse, so stay strong.” I know just how true his statement is because even when things feel really bad, they could definitely be far worse. At this time I did share with him my fears that I could lose my ability to walk and be wheelchair bound and at the young age I was that was frightening. But he told me to never put thought in something negative until I am actually faced with it and that was wonderful advice.

My sweet Poppy passed away September 9, 2013, but I still remember all the words ofpoppys grave encouragement he shared with me through the years. In the times I am in a terrible amount of pain or feel a massive amount of stress, I hear his voice in my mind with all of his healing powers.

For some reason these past few weeks have been very difficult for me. My pain levels have been elevated drastically and the stress weighing on my mind has been at a HIGH! Some of this stress is the upcoming MRI that I found out today needs additional information from the MSAA. I have sent several emails to the person that was helping me, with NO response yet. But staying logical, I will try again tomorrow as this MRI has already been scheduled! I guess it is possible that some of the stress is I am over thinking EVERY aspect of life and have a difficult time letting go! I am very passionate about many things in life and do not accept “It is what it is and there is nothing we can do!” If I keep remembering my Poppy’s words, if we all stand strong, there is always something that can be done! I guess this is where I got my notion to NEVER GIVE UP!

I think it is very clear that my Poppy was my role model in life and I will always strive to be as much like him as I possibly can! There will never be another man like him, but I My Poppyguess that is what makes him so special. You know that being diagnosed with a chronic illness is tragic and life altering, but losing him was twice as hard on me. I know it has almost been 5 years, but it feels like yesterday when I got the call from my Uncle to tell me Poppy had passed away. I honestly felt as though my world came to a complete halt! If I had just one wish, which I know most people would think I would wish the MS away, but I would wish I could have just one more day with my Poppy. I would rather live with the struggles of Multiple Sclerosis for the rest of my life, if I could just have him here with us again. I would love to be in the car with him listening to him sing “Seven Spanish Angels” by Willie Nelson & Ray Charleshttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8A9Y1Dq_cQ as those were the best and most memorable days for me. 

Thank you for stopping by my site today and reading this extremely emotional post. I must say this was the hardest post I have written and could not make it through without many tears. I truly wish that my Poppy would not only be proud of this post, but also of all the others that I have written. Always remember to cherish those you love❤ and make sure they know how you feel because unfortunately there is a time they are meant to move onto the next level and be in Heaven. I hope you have a nice and relaxing evening. Please always remember I am sending you LOTS of love❤ and comfort.

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

Unanswered Questions!

drowningI sometimes feel like I am drowning in all the unanswered questions in my mind. Life works in such mysterious and unexpected ways which at times cause a whirlwind of various emotions to run through me! My unanswered questions typically lead to overwhelming frustration because life makes absolutely NO sense. For starters one question I have had since I was 19 years old is what causes all these incurable illnesses? In a world that has many brilliant minds why have more cures been not discovered yet? Or have many cures actually been discovered but not released because the greedy people with Big Pharma do not want to lose massive amounts of money from less prescriptions being written? Big Pharma makes a living from all of us that need prescription medications, so without us they would see what it is like to struggle to scrap by pay check to pay check.

Another question that plagues my mind is why is there always so much hate and terribly unfair treatment for SO many? Why can people not all be treated with nothing but love and respect? I do not think it is at all right to judge someone for how they choose to live love and respecttheir life, especially when it does not cause any harm to anyone! I am a firm believer that we should ALL be treated equally because no matter what choices are made, we are all human-beings with feelings that can and do get hurt. For those of us that fight through life with a chronic illness, we often get judged by those that just do not understand! Many of us have a family to support, so we are forced to go to a job we may not enjoy just for a paycheck. When you struggle through a day of work in pain and then have altered hours, our co-workers tend to make ignorant comments that are hard to hear! One comment that just irritates me to the core is, “I wish I had your hours! It must be nice to be able to leave early daily.” Every time I hear this comment my response is ALWAYS, “Well I wish I had your hours because working fewer hours kind of hurts the paycheck!”  I guess life was never meant to be a walk in the park, but sometimes it seems incredibly unfair!

helping othersIn the city I live in you can not make the short drive to the grocery store and not see a homeless person holding a sign asking for money for food, which is terribly sad for me. Why do those that are in power chose to invade other countries wanting to make changes that are unwelcome, when the country they “stand” to protect needs our help? If our so-called help for other countries is not wanted, I think we should focus on the problems right here in front of us every day! I guess I believe our tax dollars should be spent on making changes to the education system, road conditions, homeless, healthcare and helping other countries when they WANT it, not when we think it is necessary!

Another question that I find extremely troubling is why do we pay massive amounts of money for health insurance, but then still get terrible coverage and pay extremely high co-pays? I am supposed to have an MRI once a year, but the co-pay is absolutelyhealthcare is a right ridiculous and completely not affordable to do once a year! Every other developed country offers FREE healthcare for all and that works for them, so why does the United States not try something that actually helps the citizens instead of keeping us in mounds of medical debt?

There are times when these unanswered questions cause me so much anger, but I do not help otherswant to focus my entire life on what will never be answered! I do not have the ability or the power to change other people, but I will always stand up for what my beliefs! I will continue for the rest of my life wishing for cures we all need and I will never treat anyone in a bad nature because of how they live their life!

Thank y’all for visiting my site today! I know this might seem like a bit of a rant, but I feel like certain issues need to be voiced! I really hope y’all are having a nice weekend and feeling well! I definitely encourage your amazing comments and I do promise to respond just as quickly as I can! Please remember that I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

Truly A Painfully Long Week!

Good-Night-Quotes-20Good evening y’all! I hope you had a nice day today! I am so beyond happy that tomorrow is Friday because it has been a painfully long week! When I say painfully long, I really mean it has been incredibly painful for me!

Earlier this week I mentioned a goal I had for myself, but did not want to share it because I was honestly afraid I would not achieve my goal. Well now that tomorrow is Friday, I am perfectly at ease to share that goal with y’all! I desperately wanted to be able to increase my hours at work slightly, but it seems that every time I fear of goalssaid it in the past I was not able to succeed. This week I have been pushing myself a little harder to work six and a half hours each day instead of just the six hours daily and not miss one day, I have done this so far and I do not see tomorrow being any different!! Sure pushing myself just 30 minutes probably does not seem like a lot, but my goodness it really has been! I have been so completely worn out every day, I was not even able to do a post. Now on Thursday evening, even being extremely tired and in a terrible amount of pain, I was also very proud of the success I have made and wanted to share it with you! I figured I did give that cliff hanger earlier in the week about a “goal” and I know y’all must have been a little curious and deserved to know more about the goal!

I am not sure what next week will hold, but I do fully plan to keep trying my very best. I really am so glad tomorrow is Friday, so I will have the weekend to recuperate from this past week and only hope I have not caused too much damage to my already hurt body! I falling down is how we growknow I have put myself through a lot of pain and stress which may not have been a good decision, but what is done is done and I made it! I will continue to set achievable goals for myself because I do think it is so important to keep trying, which in turn means trying harder every week!

I want to thank y’all for taking the time to visit my site today and really do love to read your comments, which I always will respond to. The blogging community really has been a wonderful and amazing experience for me. I was completely shocked that a fellow blogger that read about me having a difficult day on Tuesday emailed me to see if I was okay. Let me just say that❤❤ Angela Gagliardi is an amazing woman and I am truly thankful for her! Angela also has a blog and if you have not already seen her site, I strongly encourage you to do so, https://fuckms.ca/! Angela has a ❤heart of gold and even when she is struggling herself, still takes the time to care for others. Thank you so much Angela for being a wonderful friend! I hope y’all have a nice relaxing evening and a fantastic Friday. Please know that no matter what I might be dealing with, I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

How do you describe?

HOPE 2.0How do you describe the pain you are in when it can be SO indescribable at times? Living each day with an incredible amount of pain definitely gets a little old, but it also leaves no choice except to keep moving forward. Dwelling on the pain does not make it go away, but I do believe makes it SO much more intense. On my worse days, I do my very best to just keep my mind busy so I am not thinking about the pain I am feeling. It really seems like the moment I stop doing something all I can think about is how much I am hurting, whereas if I just stay busy I do not have time to allow myself to really feel it. I do understand that rest is important, especially when the pain levels are high, but at the same time rest makes me think too much and then I hurt more! I guess it can really be a no win battle between me and my pain, but I do not ever want it to defeat me entirely!

I think everyone that battles with pain issues handles them differently; we all just need a way to manage and escape at times! Do you struggle with pain and how do you handle it? Today for instances my pain is pretty darn high, so this morning I watched a little TV and then did laundry. I did not do anything too strenuous as that would probably cause painful daysme to hurt even more. Normally I would go grocery shopping, but thankfully NOT today!! When I am trying to keep my mind busy to avoid thinking about my pain I often will read a good book or write because both of those things keep me relaxed! I thought for a long time about what I wanted to write about and honestly had a little bit of writers block, but then decided I should write about what I was feeling. I am guessing that many of you can relate to this painful topic and I really wish none of us could!

So on top of dealing with my normal pain, I have been battling with terrible migraines that just will not let up! I went to bed last night with a migraine and woke up with it still with me. I guess I was hoping I could sleep it away, I hate to admit it but I was wrong! pain changes peopleThankfully right now it has finally started to ease up and now it is just a mild little headache that I can handle. I never thought I would say this but the pain I have daily is so much easier to live with than migraines I have been struggling with ALL week! Even though I know I can’t, but if I could choose I would much rather have my back and legs hurt a lot worse than to have a migraine.

Thank you so much for stopping by my site today. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and do encourage you to leave a comment, which I promise to respond to as quickly as I can! I truly do love your comments and they are always very helpful! I hope your weekend is going well and you are feeling as great as you possibly can! We all deserve a restful and peaceful weekend! As always I am sending y’all LOTS of❤ love and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤