Somewhere between lonely

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lonelinessThere are times during our lifetime we may feel extremely lonely because we think that no one really understands what we are fighting against. There might be some situations that we just do not want to talk about anything because it is too painful to relive. Has there ever been a time when you were in a room full of other people, but yet you still felt so lonely? I often wonder if it is normal to feel lonely when I am actually not really alone. It even sounds silly when I read what I just wrote, but it is the way I feel sometimes, especially lately. I think there are times that I get so lost in my own thoughts, which honestly are normally unhealthy stress points, but I do not have a desire to talk at all because it is way too frustrating. In fact during those lost moments, I just want to sit in complete silence as I try to wrap my mind around all the turmoil of life! Whether it was supposed to be or not, life is a challenge that just keeps going without giving us a break to recuperate from what we have already dealt with.

I do believe that sometimes life can become SO overwhelmingly stressful and it feels likeoverwhelmed there is just no way out of those moments. Why is it the great and delightful moments in life go by so incredibly fast, but the difficult times seem to drag on FOREVER!? I remember my wedding day that was almost 7 years ago, it was one of the happiest days of my life and it went by in the blink of an eye. Then the day the doctor told me I had MS, which was 18 years ago seemed to have lasted forever! I can still see and feel myself in the room with my old doctor and listening to him say, “Alyssa, you have Multiple Sclerosis”, but all the words after that are a blur. It seems as though the bad times in our lifetime taint our views on life in general and it just leaves a permanent scar that never truly heals.

Do you ever want to become a recluse, just to escape all the craziness of the world we live in? Living in solitude can become depressing and therefore is not healthy at all! On aristotle1the flip side of that, living in a world that has so much negativity is not healthy either! It is a catch 22 with how to proceed. I have tried to convince myself that one smile can go along way and if everyone could just adopt that concept there would be a lot more happiness surrounding all of us. Even though I might be feeling a little down right now, I do still believe smiles go so much further than anyone realizes.

Of course right now I am drowning in my thoughts about what the MRI results are going to be. Then I have a moment of clarity and know that there is absolutely nothing at all I can do to change what my results will tell me on Thursday. So why in the world am I unable to let these negative thoughts go? I think that is the million dollar question that might never be answered!

Y’all know me by now and know that I pride myself on thinking more on the positive051aa4b37f544a9783141575bb01c1dd61b51b-wm.jpg side of things. This is just a phase of negativity that will clear up as it always does. Things could be worse than they are, but my poor mind has been SO overwhelmed with stress. It honestly feels like I have been engulfed in way too many decisions and changes that need to be made that it is hard to breath sometimes. I try to handle one moment at a time, but then more thoughts pop up in my mind making it go into a tail spin!

Thank you for reading my random thoughts of the day or I guess I should say of my weekend. I am terribly sorry for all the negative thoughts, but I will say writing my feelings out helps so much! Tomorrow is another day and things will hopefully be much brighter. The countdown is on for when I get to hear my MRI results, good or bad I will handle them with grace and dignity. I will not go into the appointment with all my negative thoughts, but I will be calm and ready for anything. I hope y’all enjoy the rest of what is left of the weekend! As always, please remember that no matter what I might be going through, I am always sending y’all LOTS of love❤ and comfort!

My signature heart

❤Always, Alyssa❤

50 thoughts on “Somewhere between lonely”

  4. I am slowly learning that the harder I try not to think about or worry about something the more impossible it is to get it out of my mind. I haven’t mastered this technique yet, but I am working on trying to acknowledge the thing that I am concerned about or whatever emotion it is causing me to feel and then also acknowledge that I will handle whatever it is, of course you cant find the answers yet, you don’t know the question…does that make any sense?

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  5. I am sorry to hear you are feeling lonely and that you’ve had a bad weekend. I often feel very alone and isolated and feel like people don’t understand what I am going through but it’s good that you’ve found an outlet through your blogs where you can share how you’re feeling with people like myself. I guess sometimes not saying anything is best and just sitting win silence with your own thoughts.
    I look forward to your motivational Monday post.

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    • Thank you for reading and commenting. It is amazing how lonely we can feel at times and that is frustrating. What is even more frustrating is when I say or write things like this, everyone that is in my life makes it all about them. A shocking surprise is, sometimes what I write is for me and about me, no one else. I am sorry you have these feelings as well. Loneliness can lead to so many dark roads, which makes it important to find some kind of outlet. I honestly would have lost my mind by now if I was not able to write.
      I hope you like the Motivational Monday quote!!

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  6. of course I was once told it is impossible to feel positive all the time with what I am going through and I guess I can say the same to you. You will have good days and bad days and it’s OK to feel like this.
    Good luck with your MRI appointment and try not to stress too much about the results.

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    • I find it incredibly hard to be positive 24/7 because life just happens which can be difficult. I am trying to learn it is okay to not be okay and it is okay to not be happy and positive all the time. I do not believe anyone can be happy every single day of life!
      I really hope the results I get on Thursday are not as bad as I am thinking!

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  7. You know I agree with you. It’s odd how you can be in a room full of people and yet feel so alone. You ask yourself, why? Is it because there’s no connection with you and the world or is it because there’s so much frustration that anger and resentment are taking over? I say this because when a situation stays the same for an extended period of time without change resentment can take over. You feel helpless and uncertain what to do. You don’t want to talk to anyone because letting the ones know that you love may cause anger and bad feelings. I think that’s only because your loved ones are too close to the situation and only have your best interest at heart. It’s so true that when one family member hurts they all do. I believe that if we always remember God is with us we’ll never feel alone. Prayer is so powerful and God hears everything and will answer in his time which in the end works best for our good. I’m sorry you’re feeling alone. Please trust me or someone in your life to talk with. Having emotions like you’re feeling all bottled up inside is not healthy. Try to open up. Nothing will be held against you or anyone else. All my Love & Support, Mom!!💜💜

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  8. It’s OK to feel down sometimes, to feel crap for no reason or for every reason, to cry and shout, to hide and feel lonely, to think positive thoughts and wish you could stop thinking. Be whatever you need to be for now xxx

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  10. Oh Alyssa. I only just found this. Oh HOW Ibrelate to this. Every single word of it. I so understand as you await the results of your MRIcscan. Mi too see my cancer specialist very soon. I know JUST what you mean about that moment you were told you have Multiple Sclerosis. I too remember being told “Mrs. Lewis, you have cancer and you may die.” That moment comes back and back and back to me, and I want to write and write and write about it. And my joyrney with cancer and the resulting blibdness too. Not just poems. But the STORY of it. My FEELINGS. Feelings which wax and wane. But people would RUN, because I have found that once you start writing the darker, more negative stuff, people run. I know JUST what you mean about feeling alone when even with people. I doo, too. sO SO alone. Because their experience of life is not mine, and mine is not theirs. And so we cannot talk on the same level. Like you, I withdraw. I hardly talk now. I jyst smile, when necessary. It is hard Alyssa. Msybe I will start a NEW blig some place, talking honestly about my journey. Bthe higgs snd the liws. The triumphs andbthe failures. This is a great write Alyssa. Hpoung for the very best for you on Thursday. I am with you. Lorrainr

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    • Thank you so much Lorraine. I find the blogging community tends to help me not feel as alone, but in the day to day life, I feel like NO one understands me. Even after I wrote this, a few people thought it was about them. I mean seriously, these were my feelings and had little to do with anyone else specifically! I am so glad you and I have been able to connect because I think we can understand each other!

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      • I think so too Alyssa. I think I DO understand you. I too am very verycalone. I have no friends in real lufe if you know what I mean (this is real lufe too, but we don’t meet each other in person). I have no one at all whi u derstands me in a y way. Our experiences Altssa are jyst not other peopke’s reality, and so they cannot understand. It is hard, but sadly, is as it is. Loneliness is a terrible thing to bear. I hope I have understood you correctly. But this was what came across to me.

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      • I am with you 100% Lorraine! Friends come and go, but true friends that at least try to understand are in it for the long haul! Our experiences are definitely the reality of others, so trying to get them to understand is pointless.

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    • Thank you Tom! I do try to steer away from being so negative, but it has just been a difficult few days. I am glad there was positivity that came through with this post! It is kind of nice to be called “kiddo” because I have felt like I was about 80 lately!!

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  13. Dear Alyssa, you are not alone in feeling lonely when not alone. I often feel lonely even when (sometimes especially) not alone. If my companion is not aware of or does not understand what I think, what I feel, then there is a disconnect and their presence does nothing to ease loneliness. You are doing a wonderful job of not giving in to loneliness.

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  15. Hey Alyssa. You can have everyone around you and still feel lonely, isolated. Reaching out is good, but if you just need some time for yourself,no harm in that either. Sort of going through similar myself and it is hard. We can get through anything and have proved it, so go easy on yourself. I should listen to my own advice also!. X

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    • I am so sorry you are going through something similar to myself. It is so frustrating, but the loneliness is painful. I honestly feel like no one that is “around” me understands and I do not have the patience to explain. Maybe it is my own fault. At least we can be there for one another, even if there is a large body of water between us! Yes, you should try taking your advice, but if you are like me, we are good at giving the advice and horrible at taking our own! xxxx

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      • Oh, thank you, I don’t always open up to those around me as I think they get bored!.just plod on and let everyone get on with their own life. I don’t have a huge support network so that makes my mind wonder even more!. That’s why I’m grateful for blogging and the support we receive from our blogs. We’ll be ok. Our own advice makes sense!. :)x

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      • I am with you not having a really large support system, I mean I have my husband (but he is dealing with his own struggles), I have both my mother and mother in-law, but again they are dealing with their own issues. I tend to bottle everything up inside and then when surfaces it comes out in either tears or rage. At least we have this wonderful and supportive blogging community!!

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  17. Hi, Sweetie… You are so right. It does seem like the wonderful times in life is a flicker compared to the jarring side of the bad that takes place in life. It lingers and eats away slowly.
    However… like the one saying goes… “This too shall pass.”
    I know the uncertainty of what the results may be on Thursday a gnawing at you something fierce, and those feelings are validated. But no matter what the results are… I know you have it in you to forge ahead because you have been doing that all along since you found out you have MS.
    You’re one of the strongest people I know here at this forum. My thoughts and prayers always include you. I love you, my far away friend. 💗

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    • Thank you so much Beckie! It has been a rough few days and it is driving me crazy! I did change my thought process though. If my MRI is like the “horrible” one in October, I will handle it! If nothing changed I guess that is better than having it worsen. I appreciate your kind thoughts!

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