Happy Sunday! I hope y’all have enjoyed your weekend! It has definitely been a very difficult few weeks or even months, but all bad times have to have an ending point, don’t they? The dark skies in life have to lift into bright sunny times at some point, right?!
Y’all know that I have been suffering from the worse MS flare up I have had since I was diagnosed, 16 very long years ago. I have tried getting up to brush myself off from what I have viewed as failed moments, only to fall back down into hard times again and again. I have tried holding onto my positive thoughts just to wake up feeling like it was all for nothing. How many times have I said I was going to try going back to work and not succeed? It is so frustrating to try something several times and not be able to accomplish my end goal! Sometimes I do wonder if all of this is from the tail end up the flare up or if it is feeling sorry for myself for not beating all of this sooner! I have had exacerbation’s several times before that have gotten me down but I have always won the battle! So, why this time do I feel like the MS is defeating all of my strength?
A little more than a month ago I do remember the doctor telling me that I have many new active lesions on my brain and spine. But, I mean damn these lesions can not just stay active indefinitely, can they? I do not know which scare me more, the new lesions on the spine or the brain! What I can say is I have a lot of nausea, headaches, dizziness, I have lost the ability to focus, terrible fatigue and I have some other motor skill problems. I have experienced balance problems before, but now I feel like it would be so easy to just tip over when I stand up. In my mind I do know that time heals all injuries, which is what the doctors call the lesions that I have. But in my heart and the not so logical part of me, I wonder if this is ever going to get better. Curiosity got the best of me last night and I decided to read over the MRI report, again! It might sound crazy, but I do not remember hearing the doctor go over the report with me a month or so ago. Honestly, I probably tuned out everything she said because being shown proof there is an issue and being forced to accept it is really hard for me to do. It is so much easier to just try to ignore what our body is going through sometimes!
I honestly have not had the energy to do a post in a few days now. In a way I do believe this flare up has been my fault and could have been avoided if I did not make the decision to change disease modifying medicine from Gilenya, that was working for 6 years to Tecfidera. But, I did feel that some things I was dealing with could have been being caused from the Gilenya. Then when I tried discussing this with my new doctor, I felt that she was not hearing what my concerns were. I feared that I was on the Gileyna for too long because originally I was told you could not stay on it without a break for an extended time period. Plus, I could not understand why I was staying on a medication that I could not tolerate the full amount anyway. I am a very headstrong person and do not appreciate when any doctor dismisses my thoughts, it only causes me to be adamant to do the opposite of what they recommend. I have asked myself several times if I regret my decision to switch my medicine and I really do not know the answer. If I never tried something new, I would have always wondered if it would have been a better choice for me. Then again, now I am wondering if I would have had this horrible flare up no matter what medicine I was on. I have never done well with having so many questions but literally no answers!
I have a question for everyone that reads this blog! Do you think it is an unhealthy thing for someone who battles any type of chronic illness to read and write about their illness several hours a day? In my opinion, I do not think there is anything wrong with it. I have been told that it is not a good thing to do and everyone needs something else to focus on that does not involve anything to do with the battles they fight with their illness. I guess I feel that no matter what I am doing whether it be writing about my illness or reading a book that has nothing to do with illness, that illness is not going away and if I can write something that helps someone else and in turn helps me to get my emotions out, I think it is worth it! But, please tell me if I am viewing this wrong.
Thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts for the day. As always I truly love your comments and I do always respond as quickly as possible. I do want to get back to work tomorrow and start doing more with my days, so I am really hoping things will work out this time!! I have been dealing with so many pain and other issues I think trying to focus on work might help me some! I am sorry that my post may have been a little all over the place, I am still having some focus issues so I hope I did not have too many crazy grammar issues! I hope you have a great evening and I hope the start to your week goes fantastic!!