Another Day of Pain!

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what doesnt kill youLove and painI hope y’all had a good Monday! I woke up 4:00 this morning in an incredible amount of pain. I thought, maybe if I just lay back down until my alarm went off I would feel better. I could not even fall back asleep. I made a decision that was best for my own well being and stayed home today. I am on day three of trying to rest to get help decrease my pain level, with absolutely no success! I did contact my doctor’s office to make them aware of what I was dealing with and all they could say is, “We have to wait to get the results of your MRI.” I had decided yesterday that I was going to cancel my MRI on Saturday, but now I am really not sure.

I am so tired of resting, so that my pain might go away! I have tried to reduce my stress, but seriously, how can you completely reduce stress when you are having SO much pain? It is almost impossible to do! I just miss how I felt before this illness started trying to miss myselfcontrol my life. Yesterday, I was of course thinking about my wedding day. I felt absolutely amazing on wedding day. I remember getting ready to walk down the aisle to meet my soul mate half way. I did not have any pain what so ever! Why, six years later I did not even feel well enough to have a nice dinner with my husband? It does not seem to make sense or even be fair! Of course, my husband was absolutely amazing and did not care if we went out to celebrate our anniversary, he was just happy that we were together. The great thing about my husband is, he is always happy to go out when I am feeling up to it and just as happy to sit on the couch together when I am not. Love is not about having to go out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate, it is about being happy just being together. We can just be in the same room together and not say a thing, and still know what each other is feeling and thinking. To me, that is real love!

Right now my choices are, I go on Saturday for the MRI and possibly get answers to my pain, or I wait and hope it will pass. Sounds like an easy decision to make, right? It is not that easy for me because I know how I am feeling, therefore I feel like I know what the results are going to be. I will anticipate a call next week from the doctor to tell me that I have new lesions, which is only going to make me cry. It sounds silly to get so emotional too much painover something I am expecting, but that is how I have always been. Every time I go to my specialist, I leave the office in tears. Most people would probably say that after dealing with Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years, nothing the doctor says should bother me. I was in denial about this illness for years, but I have accepted that this is my life. I know that this pain will go away in time, but right now I am just can not handle it anymore!

I am planning to return to work tomorrow, even if I wake up in pain. I will go to work and not push myself too much. If after a few hours my pain gets to a point I just can not tolerate it,  I will have to tell my supervisor that I have to go home. Truthfully, they will either be understanding or they won’t, but I have to do what is best for me. A person can tired of painonly push themselves so far, before even the strongest person will break. Normally my job is very understanding, but one person in my company did give me a hard time on Friday. This person, who will remain nameless, does not really matter in the big picture as I have never even met this person! He was just a person that did not really understand what FMLA meant and really how it works. 

I am not making any decisions today about the MRI that is scheduled on Saturday, but will decide by Friday. I am not sure what is best right now but thinking about it is just causing me stress. I am hoping that someday in the near future my pain will ease up, but I do not know if it will. I know if this is a flare up, they do go away. I just hope that the damage will heal and not cause these issues to be permanent. I y’all have any comments, please do so and I will respond to you as quickly as I can! I really do love and appreciate the communication as it does help me through these difficult times. I hope you have a great evening! Take care!!

Love 2

 

Always, Alyssa

41 thoughts on “Another Day of Pain!”

  1. Keep the appointment for Saturday…embrace it as an opportunity to further educate those around you. It can be too easy for us to start self diagnosing and be caught up in a specific angle. The constant pain is frustrating and discouraging yet it also reminds us that we are alive! We are each given a path in life…for some of us it appears quite daunting yet embrace the opportunity to share with others, for in that we find strength.

    Always put your physical needs first. The more we push even if we think it is a little bit, it is too much. My most recent flare due to Fibromyalgia, Polyarthralgia, Chronic Pain Disorder, Neuralgia, IBS-D, PTSD, Depression, complicated by the different conditions flaring and wreaking havoc on my body has been going for 10 months now. Symptoms are beginning to subside…albeit slowly.

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    • Thank you so much for your comment! I know the smart thing to do is to keep the appointment. I am just scared of hearing the results and I don’t want to take steroids or change my medicine and I am afraid that is what the doctor will say. My husband will come with me to the MRI but I won’t get results that day of course. But he be there for me when I hear the results and listen to me cry.

      I know putting my physical needs first is important. I really am trying to change as I have always been the one to take care of everyone else. Old habits die hard! I am glad your symptoms are getting better. Depression is a little hard to avoid when dealing with pain all the time but I try to be positive! I really can’t thank you enough for the encouragement!!

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  2. Hugs and chocolate. That’s my best pain reliever with this MS thing. T3C helps with pain from spinal tap… But that’s pain on a different level.

    I hope thing get better soon.

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    • Thank you so much! Chocolate is an amazing thing!! I love heresy kisses!!! What is T3C?

      Thank you so much! This pain is driving me crazy!!! I hope you are doing well and thank you for your sweet comment!!!

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      • T3C is Tylenol 3 with Codeine, strong stuff for strong pain.

        I’m doing ok, just trying to take in today.. woke up to killing on the news, read about more killings, then Tom Petty.. I’m ready for the week to be over already. I could use a weekend to recover from the week.

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      • Oh, I am not good with knowing medications. Thank you for not thinking I was an idiot for not knowing!!

        I can not believe how many killings there have been lately. It is heartbreaking and scary! You can’t even go to a concert and not be afraid! That was sad about Tom Petty! I am ready for the week to be over as well!

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      • There are soooooooomany drugs we get to deal with having MS, so not knowing one is beyond understandable. I didn’t know it at first, but when I get spinal taps, I get the joy of low spinal fluid pressure headaches, which are beyond evil head pounding pain for three days before the pressure equalizes again.

        MS brings pain, and treatments for it bring pain. Tooooooo much pain. Reason for more chocolate!

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      • I could not agree more! Right now the medicine I am taking for pain is not doing anything at all! I mean it takes some of the edge off, but I am still hurting pretty bad! MS is just mean to us!!

        I am sorry you have to deal with that! Headaches alone are hard to deal with!

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      • I’m one of the lucky ones who gets too many headaches every.single.day, and it got old a long time ago. I now get to be the guy buying the 500 ct bottles of 500mg Tylenol at Walmart. I try asprin, ibuprofen, aleve, whatever else now and then, but Tylenol/generics of it, work the best and quickest.

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      • Headaches are miserable!! I have to be in a dark room with an ice pack on my head. I am so sorry you deal with so many headaches! I get Advil all the time! I don’t take Tylenol because the pain meds have that in it as well, I don’t want Tylenol poisoning.

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  3. If it were me, as a fellow MS’er I would keep the MRI appointment because knowledge about what is truly happening is power. Power for you to take on whatever is going on for you. Power to come up with a game plan instead of wondering if it will be gone tomorrow. Power for you, instead of giving your power to MS to determine how you are going to attack this hurdle. You are stronger than you think! You’ve got this!

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    • Thank you! I know it would be the best thing to keep the MRI, I just hate getting the results! I know it would be best to know what is going on, this whole thing has been SO frustrating! I really do think that I have new lesions. Or maybe an old lesion is just active or gotten bigger, I don’t know. Can an old lesion that was not active become active and cause issues? I think so but I am suddenly questioning myself. I really appreciate your comment and support! I hope you are doing well! Take care!!

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  4. I’m sorry to hear you’re having a bad pain day. I hope tomorrow is better for you! My best advice is to do what you feel is right. If you know you need to get the MRI Saturday, then get it. If mentally you need a few more days or a week to prepare yourself for the possibility of bad news, that’s perfectly fine. Sometimes us chronic illness patients just need a bit of time in between bad news and disappointments or doctor’s visits and procedures. You know what’s right for you!

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    • Thank you Alyssa! I know I need the MRI but I am dreading the results. I know my body so I know something is not right. I feel like there is probably new lesions or some are active now! Thank you for your support and encouragement! I am doing my best to take care of myself and do what I need to do so that I will feel better sooner than later!!

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  6. Oh Alyssa, I feel your pain girl! I recently saw my neurologist about my recent MRI results and I know how nerve wracking it can be, but I hope you will still go eventually when YOU’RE ready. I completely understand how easy it can be to put it off when you dread what’s coming. I’m sorry to hear about the terrible pain you’ve been in and am definitely sending prayers and good thoughts your way girly! Here’s to tomorrow being a stronger day for you!!!

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    • Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind and understanding words. I will probably do the MRI, I just have to figure out how to get my nose ring out! I do feel like I know what the results will say just because I know my body, but maybe I am wrong and there is another read for the pain!! I wish my old neurologists would come back, they both retired. I loved them even when they gave bad news!

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  7. Hey babe, I’m sorry you’re still in pain – that sucks.
    As you’ve been dealing with this for YEARS, I’m sure you know what works for your body. How does breathwork work for you?
    I’m sure you’ve tried everything under the sun at this point, so I’m just curious.
    One of my friends, who deals with painful-to-the-point-of-passing-out-endometriosis, uses breathwork + meditation to help manage her stress through the pain days.

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  9. I completely empathize with the constant pain and worrying whether it is a flare or it will go away. Trying to stay hopeful yet bracing for the worst.

    I am wondering if this is a 10 month flare or something permanent. We can only hope.

    There really is no answers, even MRI doesn’t always answer the questions.

    Please know that you have a family of people who understand and empathize x

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    • Thank you Trish! Pain is such a miserable thing. MRI doesn’t work magic, hopefully if I do it on Saturday it will show if there are lesions.

      I am sorry for what you have been going through for 10 months. I understand it is frustrating! I have only been dealing with this pain for about 2 months.

      I appreciate all your understanding and support!

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  10. Just do what is right for your on Saturday. I do agree with the having more knowledge side of it but I always think, does having an MRI scan really make that much difference? You’re already on new medication so it just means they might offer you steroids if it is a relapse. See how you feel on Friday and just do what’s going to be best for you. 🙂 Sending hugs. xxx

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      • I know steroids are meant to make the relapse not as long. I know it is my decision if I do the steroids and I am strong when I talk to the doctors. Do you really think steroids help?

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      • Oh my goodness, I have had them too many times to count. They do not agree with me and make me a little hateful! I might just wait and see what happens, instead of continuing to think about this and stress about it all!!! xxx

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      • Thank you so much for your kindness. Unfortunately, things were not much better today so I am so sorry, I stayed home again. I am hoping this will be the last day of staying home. I could hardly stand this morning with our falling over with pain and a little dizziness. My feet feel like they are on fire and my legs feel like jello and twisting them around and my back feels like someone is stabbing me with like 5 knives.

        I hope you are doing well today and I hope you have a great day!

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  11. I am so sorry Alyssa, I wish I could take away some of your pain 😦
    I can understand that thinking and trying to make decisions can really add to stress, and sometimes trying to shut your brain off is the only thing that can ease up the cycle a little. I read, as that can help distract my mind sometimes, but it has to be a good book to engage me. Mindless films can be good, but only if you can concentrate on them without your brain wandering back to the same things. I agree – don’t make decisions right now if you can’t, and I think you’re right in wondering how the heck to destress when in pain!! Definitely take things easy with work and speak up if you’re reaching your limit. We’re all here for you – sending gentle hugs your way…xx
    Caz x

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    • I am trying to not think and make decisions for a little while. I actually did not go to work today, to give my body one more day to heal.

      I got an email from someone I work with saying that one of my work “friends” was talking ugly about me being out. I ended up sending the email to my boss because I was so offended. People can be so mean!

      I love to read and write. Both of those things help with my stress level. I am trying to write a book right now. so that is helpful to get my mind off of the now.

      I appreciate all the support and encouragement that I receive on this blog. I feel like everyone that I communicate with here are better friends than people I have known for year. Thank you so much for everything. I hope you are doing well!!!
      Alyssa xxx

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