I hope y’all had a good Monday! I woke up 4:00 this morning in an incredible amount of pain. I thought, maybe if I just lay back down until my alarm went off I would feel better. I could not even fall back asleep. I made a decision that was best for my own well being and stayed home today. I am on day three of trying to rest to get help decrease my pain level, with absolutely no success! I did contact my doctor’s office to make them aware of what I was dealing with and all they could say is, “We have to wait to get the results of your MRI.” I had decided yesterday that I was going to cancel my MRI on Saturday, but now I am really not sure.
I am so tired of resting, so that my pain might go away! I have tried to reduce my stress, but seriously, how can you completely reduce stress when you are having SO much pain? It is almost impossible to do! I just miss how I felt before this illness started trying to control my life. Yesterday, I was of course thinking about my wedding day. I felt absolutely amazing on wedding day. I remember getting ready to walk down the aisle to meet my soul mate half way. I did not have any pain what so ever! Why, six years later I did not even feel well enough to have a nice dinner with my husband? It does not seem to make sense or even be fair! Of course, my husband was absolutely amazing and did not care if we went out to celebrate our anniversary, he was just happy that we were together. The great thing about my husband is, he is always happy to go out when I am feeling up to it and just as happy to sit on the couch together when I am not. Love is not about having to go out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate, it is about being happy just being together. We can just be in the same room together and not say a thing, and still know what each other is feeling and thinking. To me, that is real love!
Right now my choices are, I go on Saturday for the MRI and possibly get answers to my pain, or I wait and hope it will pass. Sounds like an easy decision to make, right? It is not that easy for me because I know how I am feeling, therefore I feel like I know what the results are going to be. I will anticipate a call next week from the doctor to tell me that I have new lesions, which is only going to make me cry. It sounds silly to get so emotional over something I am expecting, but that is how I have always been. Every time I go to my specialist, I leave the office in tears. Most people would probably say that after dealing with Multiple Sclerosis for 16 years, nothing the doctor says should bother me. I was in denial about this illness for years, but I have accepted that this is my life. I know that this pain will go away in time, but right now I am just can not handle it anymore!
I am planning to return to work tomorrow, even if I wake up in pain. I will go to work and not push myself too much. If after a few hours my pain gets to a point I just can not tolerate it, I will have to tell my supervisor that I have to go home. Truthfully, they will either be understanding or they won’t, but I have to do what is best for me. A person can only push themselves so far, before even the strongest person will break. Normally my job is very understanding, but one person in my company did give me a hard time on Friday. This person, who will remain nameless, does not really matter in the big picture as I have never even met this person! He was just a person that did not really understand what FMLA meant and really how it works.
I am not making any decisions today about the MRI that is scheduled on Saturday, but will decide by Friday. I am not sure what is best right now but thinking about it is just causing me stress. I am hoping that someday in the near future my pain will ease up, but I do not know if it will. I know if this is a flare up, they do go away. I just hope that the damage will heal and not cause these issues to be permanent. I y’all have any comments, please do so and I will respond to you as quickly as I can! I really do love and appreciate the communication as it does help me through these difficult times. I hope you have a great evening! Take care!!