Of all days, it does not seem right to feel down on a Saturday. Saturday is supposed to be a happy day, because we do not have to be at work. We are supposed to be doing the things we were not able to do during the week, but I have absolutely no energy today. This post will be unlike all of my others, where I always try to put a positive spin on things.
I think I am feeling so darn negative, because I have been dealing with so much additional pain for a while now. I guess I am scared of what else the future holds for me. Multiple Sclerosis is so unpredictable, and I do not like the unknown. I do not feel like MS is at all controllable, and that drives me crazy! I think it is quite obvious, I might have some control issues, and MS is not cooperating with my ideas of life!
For some strange reason, the Nurse Practitioner, believes that I have some kind of infection. I can not imagine that I have had an infection, that was not discovered for years. I mean seriously, if an infection was causing my back pain, how and why would it have not been seen prior to now? I see at least one doctor every two months, and have blood work done frequently, so why would it really take this long to figure it out?! I have NOT had any symptoms of any infection, at all. My temperature has always been normal and my blood pressure has spiked because of the pain and or stress. Please, tell me if I am wrong, but I think I would know if I had an infection of any kind!
I really hate Multiple Sclerosis, because I do not think anyone knows much about it! Yes, MS has made me a stronger person, but it has caused so many negative issues as well. This disease, initially caused me shame and thinking that I must have done something wrong to deserve this. I was a 19-year-old girl when I was diagnosed, what could someone who age do to deserve a lifetime of pain? I am incredibly frustrated with having questions that do not have answers. People once said that this was a genetic illness, but no one in my family has this! Some say that heat causes it to be worse, which I do believe, but only because it makes me feel worse. But then again, my husband, who does not have MS, heat bothers him in a negative way. So how can anyone say that and be 100% sure heat would not affect me that same way if I did not have MS? Stress bothers everyone, so how can you say it affects those with MS more?
I hate having to say, ” I am okay”, when I am really not! I put on a strong and happy face most days, even when I hurt! I do not want anyone’s sympathy or special treatment, I just want to be normal! I feel like I have to be two different people sometimes, the real me I am at home and the me I am in front of people. I really hate having to adjust my life to how I am feeling at any given time! I had to miss time from work because the pain was too much to deal with. That is not fair to me or even my co-workers. Sometimes, you can not fake your way through. As I told you already, I am very real with y’all and do not sugar coat how I am feeling, but sometimes I do hide my true feelings in front of those that may judge and or just not understand. Thankfully, when I am home with my husband and cats, I do not have to hide behind my strong face and can be vulnerable, they are understanding! Deep down, I know that things will get better, it is just hard sometimes to believe that. I constantly have to remind myself that these issues are temporary and life will get back to be as normal as possible someday. I am trying to stay positive and not dwell on the negative things I am experiencing, but everyone no matter how strong they are need to let it all out sometimes. I keep telling myself that does not make me weak, just human!
Thank you all for reading my semi rant! I have had a difficult few weeks or so with a lot going on in my life! I just want things to be normal and happy again! I appreciate all of your support and great comments. Please let me know what you think about all of this and what do you think I should do! The medicine has been giving me a hard time but I know that is all temporary, so I am not all that concerned about that. I am just taking things one day at a time and hoping for a good outcome! Tomorrow is a new day, which will be better. I do plan to do my nails and toes tomorrow as I did not go out today for that because I was just too tired! I hope you have a great night and are able to relax and enjoy your Saturday.